When the sun rises.

I woke up this morning with a thirst to write.
It was cold and I licked the air dry.
I thought twice about what I was doing.
Where was I heading and why was I running down the same hill again.
I ran down that hill for 3 years now. It belonged to me.
I'm shaken up and uncontrollable. Times of hurt and sorrow.
Tiny shivers run through me when I hear him say that he loves me.
I pick up the pen and write everything down. My mind sinks and the music grows louder. They are words written and feelings people have felt.
I try blocking him, but hes too shifty, He has swift movements and he moves too quickly in my head. Reminding me of everything. Everything that happened when I was standing here and he was standing there.
The place I learn in, Is the last place I have memories from. They were the ones I treasured.
It doesn't matter now. I'm still writing. And writing is what matters now.
No brutality, No chaos, No riot.
Just me, The paper and the pen.
I can't destroy them all at once, So I'll just take them down one by one. There's only a few of them left anyway. That's what she said before and after.
She's winning, You can see her. She has everything and she asks for more. Once she gets sick of it, she just simply throws it away. Moving on to the next host.
Get your act together darling. Some of those things are worth it. Just remember this.
Now I'm done.
Those were all the things that ran through my head today, tonight.

Yeah, Just tie him the bed and set this house on fire.

It's not something I should be proud of.
It drags me down, to the bottom.
How could you just simply hate someone?
After how much they've hurt you, taught you to be someone different, torn your heart out and stepped on it multiple times, wished that your existence ended.
And yet you still forgive them.
Maybe it's just pity, or maybe it's that; this particular person was with you through everything and that the only thing you can see in them, is the good things they have done for you. What they have sacrificed will then be the clearer picture you see.

Some might want to destroy them.
And honestly if she wants to destroy them now, why didn't she think about this earlier. That maybe for a moment, things would end badly. It would be no fairytale.
I guess now it's her mistake to learn from. But it's too late now. She's put it off for way to long to fix things. There is no solution, there is only ending. The end of this will free her. From her own mistake.
And for me it's hands down, I'm too proud for love.

Pessimist.

Just sitting there reading that article.
It reminded me of how much hope I had.
How much, even though I knew it wasn't possible. I made myself, believe that it would happen. I hoped and made myself believe over and over again. I fought for it, I fought for you.
No one mattered as much as you did. No one had what you had. That spark you had in your eyes, and even though you were as cold as an iceberg, you still filled me with hope, you filled me with something no one ever can ever define. It was almost as if gravity wasn't the one holding me down, it was you.
You were everything and now you've become nothing.
As if you fell from heaven and then you faded into the pits of hell.
And now I’m a pessimist, bringing out the worst in everything, because I'm afraid of being hurt again.
I used to do things without thinking and now I even over analyse things. Turning beautiful amazing things into filth. I habitually see the worst, and only the worst.
I wish you never existed, not now, not yet.

Dragonlady.

The bitch is crazy.
Nothing satisfies her and it's as if she's against the whole universe.
She doesn't accept what's been said and she's completely ignorant.
Striving and even reaching for perfection, doesn't persuade her.
Comparison is her first option.
A hypocrite, who hollers and growls at everything that's been said.
Arguments are only won with pain and hurt. She doesn't understand, until the dagger is driven right through her heart.
You show her love, she doesn't appreciate it. You show her understanding, she doesn't appreciate it. You show her the right way, she doesn't accept it and just simply runs away.
She's made mistakes, big ones. Her mistakes are her nightmares. They are haunting her and turning her life into filth, not worth living.
I don't care anymore, there is no conviction.
Just pierce her heart with words like a dagger and twist.
It doesn't have to be that way though.
She needs to see the light, the truth another way.
Live what I've lived. Think the way I think.
But she won't do that.
She doesn't know who I am, I'm not like her.

x.

You shredded my stomach into pieces.

I sat there today, listening to the man with the black suit and black tie, talking about whatever he was talking about.
He was great at everything he was saying, blurring words, digging them into our minds, showing us that what we are doing is wrong.
But that's not the point.
He mentioned it, mentioned the feeling, the comittment.
I found myself gasping for breath, I tried looking for what was eating me from the inside.
It was the feeling, the feeling I had when you were around.
It came to me again, the pain was back. Drilling itself through my stomach.
A log started building itself in my throat, waiting for me to burst into tears.
But I knew better.
It took me a moment to recover, to push everything away, far away and focus on what was happening. I made myself think that this was just a lecture, making myself forget the pain, loss and the mistake I'd done. Snapping back to reality once again.
Although I saw you once again today. I hated it, you haven't changed one bit.
Same cold look into your eyes, as if you were looking right through my soul.
But I can't forget it, you were everything I needed and I couldn't ever have.

x.

Don't look behind you.

Where exactly am I going with this.
Being questioned about who I was, who I am and who I will be.
How am I supposed to know? I never gave myself the time to think about "Tomorrow".
Just hearing about it made shiver and fill my heart with ice.
What frustrates me is, that it is not in my hands. I can't just do or choose what I trully want. There are alot of other expectations from me out there, from different others. There are boundaries to everything I do.
What if I stop existing by tomorrow?
What is the point of planning something that's not willing to happen?
I'm not wrong nor am I right, I have my own view of things and I'm willing to go with it. To go with the gift I've been given.
I don't rely on future, future is not set on stone and things change, people become different from time to time.
For now, I'll be trapped in present.
Peace.

x.

Once.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman<3