Twilight.

This to me, seems to be sheer perfection.
Yet again I find myself biting on my lips and making them bleed.
I don't seem to quite understand the meaning of it all.
I don't know how to put the puzzle back together, because I fear what the complete outcome might be.
What if this image depicts my future and who I'll be?
I fear too many things and I find myself shattering my world over and over again.
I don't believe that something good, could ever happen to me. And if it ever does, I'll ruin it because of my doubts. I feel as if I'm not good enough for anything, well not anything, but I'm just not good at holding my world together. It's as if I'm cursed. I can't put things back to where they belong.
I fear that I eventually lose what I love. I fear that I'll always be the one left behind. I fear that I won't be accepted for who I am. I have way too many flaws on my shoulders and it's hard for me to hide my emptiness, because you can't really hide what's not there.
I just fear being given up on over and over again.

Moonlight.

I try reaching as far as I possibly can.
I want the stars, I want the moon.
I want the light, to get rid of this darkness.
They left me in the darkness, so darkness I became.
This perfection, it's untouchable.
It smiles at me as I reach out for it, and yet, as I try to hold it, it slips right through my fingers. Leaving white smoke behind. Leaving me behind.
Without it I have nothing. I lose myself, I'm insane.
I take a few steps, but I can see nothing in this darkness.
I feel it though, it's around me. I hear the silence screaming.
I'll just fall asleep, drift into it's shadow, in this beautiful twilight.
Keep me safe, you will be mine one day.
I can see it smiling at me as I reach out for it.
You will be my moonlight. I'll steal you away.

Don't let me fall.

I look around me, I can't find anything that truly fascinates me.
I guess I just have no idea what I'm looking for, I don't know what I want.
Who I want, I just know that I haven't come across them yet.
Well I have, but that's a different story everyone knows.
I have everything I ever asked for.
All I want now is him. I want to be cared for.
I want that feeling that sends chills down my spine.
I want to be adored just like every other girl.
I might sound so naive, but the truth is everyone wants and needs someone who will make them their everything.
It's nice to know that there is someone who actually cares about you, it makes you worry less about other things.
From this I've lost everything, every time I even think, things might be different, they turn completely out of control and leave me empty again.
I'm always empty, even though people might see me as cheerful, happy, hyper, talkative and adventurous. I'm still not complete, I'm not overly happy.
I feel alone, like I'm not wanted.
I can't let my guard down for one second because of how cruel people can be, how they'd find any opportunity to destroy something so beautiful with their attacks and insecurities.
I just don't really know what to do anymore.
So I think I'll just remain empty.

Turquoise Sky

I seem to be going back to my old habits once again.
I keep missing the boat. I lose control of myself.
I come across as Intractable, contrary, perverse, unpredictable, unemotional and detached.
All these negatives come and consume me. This is where my dark side is revealed.
This is where I show everyone, what they haven't seen in me.
I am sometimes disappointed emotionally because of my own, high, personal ideals causing me to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if I am deceived, then my anger is terrible and may sometimes get out of control.
The only thing that I'm bound and find hard doing is letting down the mental guard that I keep on my emotions, that stops me from being the self I long to be.
I must admit I am flawed. But then yet again, who isn't.
I am who I am, at least I'm true.
Although these things happen unintentionally, I'll find a way to prevent them.
I'll work through this. I'm Independent and I stand alone most of the time.
It's me against the world most of the time.
So I'll find my own way, no matter how long it takes me.
I'll find myself and bring the best out.
For now, I'll just remain the insane person I always am.

x.

Hit the road.

It's been a long time since I've written here.
School has consumed my life.
But tonight is different, tonight I will write again.
And here it goes.

I will never set out my thoughts with lies on paper.
It's thoughts on paper, not lies on paper.
Everyone is telling me that tonight is cold, but tonight is not cold for me.
I can hardly feel anything at all anymore. I've blocked every memory, every emotion you ever gave me. And warmth was one of them.
The flame in my heart has grown cold for a while now.
I'm so used to it, it's a part of me.
Sometimes i'll be gone and you won't even notice.
I may seem heartless to some people, but I'm really not. I've just learned to build a bridge and get over things very quickly.
I no longer hover over useless things. I'm not wasting my time. I don't worry.
I just live, well at least I try to. I don't expect anything, because it always leads to disappointment. My expectations are quite high and they won't be met by some. So I just take it as it comes. No this, not that, no nothing. Just me.
It drags me with the flow. I can't breath, but I don't really care.
Nothing really matters, just the silence. The cold air blowing through my hair, the sunshine on my face and the silence.

Anchors on my heart.

It’s really no fun when I’m in the mood where “I want to punch shit”, and then people decide to push my boundaries. I feel very empty and dull. I put a smile on my face so I can fool everyone. The girl full of life, is dead. Dead from the inside, dead all over. I’ve bound myself to control the way I feel towards things. When I finally realized I don’t, quite want to feel anything. I’ve filled myself with emptiness. It’s better than anything else for me. I’ve felt the numbness, the urge to breath. That’s not for me. I want nothing.

Word.

I don't like choosing.
I feel so unsafe for some odd reason.
If I cave, everything around me will break.
Then comes the part where I realize that I've just made another mistake.
I'm not weak though. I've learnt to control my emotions, but not when it comes to infatuation and love. I seem to fall in love way too easily.
Lion hearted with shimmering cheeks.
I'll try standing tall. Fire above my head.
And I'll sink my head into the water, to leave me breathless for a while, sink my thoughts into the quite underworld.
I hate the sound of heartbeats though. It drives me insane. It's worse than the ticking sound a clock makes, when you're trying to fall into deep sleep.
And as you see. I skip. I skip everything. Even what I'm trying to write here.
It's skipped. Not showing what I'm trying to exactly say. Playing different chapters. Because that's what my life is doing at the moment. Playing different chapters at once.
I'm just playing my own mind games again. Leaving an anchor on your heart.
Yeah, I'm a devil's child. Sinking into my loneliness.
It's okay though. I'll be okay. I'll remain empty forever.
I may seem full of joy, But I'm empty, dead from the inside.
Emptiness will fill my heart forever.