Let's not fight, I'm tired can't we just sleep?

It seems to me that I’m growing more careless.
The things that meant the most and the ones who kept me going are becoming somehow more unreliable.
I've advised those who needed my help, I gave them options to choose from and no one ever actually listened to what could've helped them.
They decided to go with the completely wrong choices, the ones that would make them become weaker and....wrong.
I've given up on that now, I'm more self sufficient than ever.
If you are not willing to take what's given from me to you, then don't bother asking for it in the first place.
And don't ever ask me any questions again, unless you can handle the answer.
I don't see a point in giving so much, getting people to really understand you and you never get anything back.
I'm not losing my generosity or anything. Life just seems much, much easier when you don't care.


x.

Yesterday.

And I thought I had finally found someone to pick up the broken pieces.
What happened to you're my one and only? It was bullshit right.
I told you I needed someone with morals and who would stand their ground.
You told me there was still hope.
What hope?
The part where you gave up within the slightest idea of being hurt by something so worthless?
You showed me weakness.
How could someone give up on someone they love so easily?
I thought it was about the whole "we will fight together and will not let anyone come between us".
And now you let something so small push you away from me.
I am your loss and you have now realized that.
You are lost, confused and vulnerable.
You're inconsiderate and you did not weigh your options.
I won't come back in your arms, I'm sorry.
I need someone better, I agree.
But I am here for you and I won't hurt you.
That was my promise.
And I intend to keep it.

x.

Real World.

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.

This is new I guess, everything seems new.
It's as if the gashes are healing, completely.
Everything happened so quickly though.
I don't know why. My life just took a quick turn.
I'm still trying to get used to it, bit by bit.
Learn how to be happy again. Without hesitations.
Without the emptiness and the misery.
I guess it's pulling me out from inside.
I don't know if it's too good to be true.
So I guess I'll just let it drag me along.
Let's just hope it's worth it.

x.

Vulnerable.

You and you're memories are all coming back again.
To break the walls I've built to keep you out.
Out of my head, out of my site, out of my memory, out of my mind.
I can't say I don't miss you, you were everything I desired after all.
But all you did was get what you wanted and then walk away.
Leaving me with unhealed gashes. F.A.G
I might be a little bit afraid. Afraid of nearly everything this life throws at me.
Vulnerable.
Thinking, Dreaming or Hearing anything about you is unhealthy.
You need to stay out, you have to stay out of my head completely.
I'm way better off without you.
And you probably already know that.
You know I need you, I always do but I'm holding on very hard so I don't end up throwing myself at you again. ever again.
But I know I will. So be ready.

x.

When Everything Becomes Nothing.

I seriously don't know where I'm going with this or how long it will last.
I feel fine, I feel perfect but it's so easy for me to fall down and start tearing.
It's disgusting, since when was I ever like this. I can't feel my strength anymore.
I find it hard to find the urge to fight my emotions, the reckless ones, the ones that make me feel like a pile of shit.
I'm starting to hate nearly everything and love only a few.
The damage has been done, the wounds are healed but turned into scars. So what exactly happens when you start damaging those scars again. It's just the same pain, the same hurt and just simply the same damage as the first time.
I need it to stop, but how can I when every now and then someone enters my life and screws everything up.
I even regret letting some people in my life. They're all a bunch of assholes.
I have a big heart and big dreams, I'm definitely above average but at the same time the scars are still visible, to everyone. It's like they aim for them, wanting to bring the aching, the dull, steady pain back.
I had everything from time to time and suddenly, it was like everything was nothing. It just disappeared.
And I know want it back.

Follow or Lead

There was no love, only hate and betrayal.
I woke up. Tears running down my cheeks, they were cold tears, tears of fear.
My chest felt heavy, that was when I realized it was morning. The sun shined bright in my eyes, as I wiped them.
How could this possibly happen?
I thought we were family, we were friends. We had the same blood running through our veins. I wish I could slice my arms opened and replace the blood. I would be better off without it. Sharing blood with the ones who make me feel like I don't belong.
Where do I belong?
With yous? Then where is the love?, have we forgotten about it?, What about family always comes first? No matter what?.
Why is there so much cruelty? Why do you learn how to hate before how to love?
Is it because we're different? Everyone's different, you can't expect everyone to be exactly like you, like a clone of you.
I am who I am, and I know for sure that I will never become who you want me to be.
I don't need your acceptance, I would rather have you hate me for who I am than to love me for who I'm not.
"I hate you" I screamed and so did he. That was when I thought....
It was just a nightmare, I just hope in reality it wouldn't happen.

The Way I See It.

So how do thoughts actually fall on paper?
To me this is how it all happens.
My mind gets full, full of thoughts that want to escape.
I want them to escape, I need them to escape, but I must do it in a sensible way.
My mind sinks into darkness, deep darkness, where only my words can be heard. No music, no sound, no touch, no nothing. Only feelings, words and deep dark silence. There is no running away. I realize this is the place I need to be, safe and secure, the darkness, the black is gold.
Sometimes things may seem strange, They may be different from what I see. I change reality in what I want it to be. My world, the place where I'm safe. The place where thoughts actually fall on paper and not get too crowded, A place that would take anyones breath away.
That's when my mind and not just thoughts, crawl and sink with ink unto paper.

Dedicated to Max <3.