Anchors on my heart.

It’s really no fun when I’m in the mood where “I want to punch shit”, and then people decide to push my boundaries. I feel very empty and dull. I put a smile on my face so I can fool everyone. The girl full of life, is dead. Dead from the inside, dead all over. I’ve bound myself to control the way I feel towards things. When I finally realized I don’t, quite want to feel anything. I’ve filled myself with emptiness. It’s better than anything else for me. I’ve felt the numbness, the urge to breath. That’s not for me. I want nothing.

Word.

I don't like choosing.
I feel so unsafe for some odd reason.
If I cave, everything around me will break.
Then comes the part where I realize that I've just made another mistake.
I'm not weak though. I've learnt to control my emotions, but not when it comes to infatuation and love. I seem to fall in love way too easily.
Lion hearted with shimmering cheeks.
I'll try standing tall. Fire above my head.
And I'll sink my head into the water, to leave me breathless for a while, sink my thoughts into the quite underworld.
I hate the sound of heartbeats though. It drives me insane. It's worse than the ticking sound a clock makes, when you're trying to fall into deep sleep.
And as you see. I skip. I skip everything. Even what I'm trying to write here.
It's skipped. Not showing what I'm trying to exactly say. Playing different chapters. Because that's what my life is doing at the moment. Playing different chapters at once.
I'm just playing my own mind games again. Leaving an anchor on your heart.
Yeah, I'm a devil's child. Sinking into my loneliness.
It's okay though. I'll be okay. I'll remain empty forever.
I may seem full of joy, But I'm empty, dead from the inside.
Emptiness will fill my heart forever.

Red.

I'm not really sure what exactly I'm supposed to be writing.
I just want to waste time so I can hit the shower and cry in there.
Let the dye come out of my hair and turn the water blood red.
I feel so horrible, I'm trying my hardest to forget you.
You always linger back in my mind. Reminding me how you always took my breath away.
I'm just trying not to breakdown and lose control. Bring down my self-esteem once again.
I think I'll be okay though. I do miss you, but I'll do just fine without you. I just need someone to tell me that it's all going to be alright. That I'll wake up from this excruciating nightmare and forget you. Leave you in the past as you left me.
It's time now. I'm going.

Im wishing.

There is no words that can describe my hatred for you.
No walls will stand in the way of my fists tonight.
You ruined everything now. What else do you want?
And do not think I'll sit back and just, simply watch.
I will destroy you. I will make you choke on your own spit.
How can you even stand yourself. How can you do this to me.
There is no forgiveness. I hope you go back and rot in the whole you came from.
You're not needed here. And watch your back, I will stab you harder than you stabbed me.
Low lived idiot, I will laugh at you SO hard when you fail in life.
I hate you. Go die.

Prejudice.

I only have 3 minutes.
So here it goes.

No ashes burn as bright as the ones in front of me.
I'm standing here alone, under the crescent moon in the night sky.
As I forget them once again.
You will never be good enough anymore. You're pure filth.
I'll erase you, and I'll erase our memories.
I hope they haunt you. I hope you realize that once I fade into the darkness, behind the curtain of fog. I will never turn back again. I will look at you with red eyes. Filled with the anger I hold for you. Then fade.
These last 3 minutes I say my goodbye. So watch me become your worst nightmare. Watch me become everything you ever wanted and now can never have. You deserve nothing. Nothing at all. Goodbye.

One last night.

I'm not sure what to expect. And I don't know if I should prepare myself, for what's about to happen. Everything will end, and restart on Monday.I saw you tonight. And I remembered. I remembered everything. Everything I tried forgetting, for the past 4 years. I thought that maybe...just maybe I could handle it. After everything I put myself through. Extending myself into infinite limits, to find a way, in replacing you. It's very hard. I can't keep myself occupied. I thought I finally had what I needed. But what I needed, destroyed me still. And didn't heal the wounds that had already been created by you. Well not entirely. The same chills run down my spine, every time I see you. I don't know, if I'll ever forget you. But I like the feeling, even though I don't want to admit it. I like the rush of adrenaline, my whole body turning into ice, and that puzzled expression on my face, where my brown eyes turn into solid black. As if I'm horrified. As if I'm seeing something, I prayed to never see.

2010

As I lay these words down. I remember my life in the past year.
I remember great moments, precious memories, amazing achievements and horrific scandals.
I gained some new, wonderful friends. And I lost few ones. I finally came to my senses. The fact that in order to make myself happy, I need to put myself first before some assholes, who seem to take advantage of my love and abuse my trust. I no longer care about people and their insecurities. The ones that were never there for me, will never be. And the ones that are, I know them and will cherish them. I don’t believe in second chances, because I’ve given out way too many, and have never seen an improvement., these people will never change.

Apart from that now, everything was great. Although I got into a few relationships that didn’t work out so well in the end. But yet again, none of it was my fault. I tried keeping these people sane and trying to hold them in my life for as long as possible. And then I gave up. I walked all over them, just like they did to me. But slightly worse. My revenge tasted sweeter.

School was a hole, like always. But he was no longer there. So I felt more relaxed.
I ended up getting into a few fights and arguments, and won them all, so that was good for me too.
Gosh, how I hated that place. I would spit on everyone there if I had the chance.
But who cares, I had my good friends, who were always there for me. One of the major reasons why I didn’t leave that school earlier.
I achieved alot, and aced my school certificate. My formal was amazing, everything went as planned. Not to mention that I won $1500 on the night, and came first place in state in a song writing competition.

Long story, short. I love 2010. Changed me in so many ways.
Thank you for the recovery.

x.