Vulnerable.

You and you're memories are all coming back again.
To break the walls I've built to keep you out.
Out of my head, out of my site, out of my memory, out of my mind.
I can't say I don't miss you, you were everything I desired after all.
But all you did was get what you wanted and then walk away.
Leaving me with unhealed gashes. F.A.G
I might be a little bit afraid. Afraid of nearly everything this life throws at me.
Vulnerable.
Thinking, Dreaming or Hearing anything about you is unhealthy.
You need to stay out, you have to stay out of my head completely.
I'm way better off without you.
And you probably already know that.
You know I need you, I always do but I'm holding on very hard so I don't end up throwing myself at you again. ever again.
But I know I will. So be ready.

x.

When Everything Becomes Nothing.

I seriously don't know where I'm going with this or how long it will last.
I feel fine, I feel perfect but it's so easy for me to fall down and start tearing.
It's disgusting, since when was I ever like this. I can't feel my strength anymore.
I find it hard to find the urge to fight my emotions, the reckless ones, the ones that make me feel like a pile of shit.
I'm starting to hate nearly everything and love only a few.
The damage has been done, the wounds are healed but turned into scars. So what exactly happens when you start damaging those scars again. It's just the same pain, the same hurt and just simply the same damage as the first time.
I need it to stop, but how can I when every now and then someone enters my life and screws everything up.
I even regret letting some people in my life. They're all a bunch of assholes.
I have a big heart and big dreams, I'm definitely above average but at the same time the scars are still visible, to everyone. It's like they aim for them, wanting to bring the aching, the dull, steady pain back.
I had everything from time to time and suddenly, it was like everything was nothing. It just disappeared.
And I know want it back.

Follow or Lead

There was no love, only hate and betrayal.
I woke up. Tears running down my cheeks, they were cold tears, tears of fear.
My chest felt heavy, that was when I realized it was morning. The sun shined bright in my eyes, as I wiped them.
How could this possibly happen?
I thought we were family, we were friends. We had the same blood running through our veins. I wish I could slice my arms opened and replace the blood. I would be better off without it. Sharing blood with the ones who make me feel like I don't belong.
Where do I belong?
With yous? Then where is the love?, have we forgotten about it?, What about family always comes first? No matter what?.
Why is there so much cruelty? Why do you learn how to hate before how to love?
Is it because we're different? Everyone's different, you can't expect everyone to be exactly like you, like a clone of you.
I am who I am, and I know for sure that I will never become who you want me to be.
I don't need your acceptance, I would rather have you hate me for who I am than to love me for who I'm not.
"I hate you" I screamed and so did he. That was when I thought....
It was just a nightmare, I just hope in reality it wouldn't happen.

The Way I See It.

So how do thoughts actually fall on paper?
To me this is how it all happens.
My mind gets full, full of thoughts that want to escape.
I want them to escape, I need them to escape, but I must do it in a sensible way.
My mind sinks into darkness, deep darkness, where only my words can be heard. No music, no sound, no touch, no nothing. Only feelings, words and deep dark silence. There is no running away. I realize this is the place I need to be, safe and secure, the darkness, the black is gold.
Sometimes things may seem strange, They may be different from what I see. I change reality in what I want it to be. My world, the place where I'm safe. The place where thoughts actually fall on paper and not get too crowded, A place that would take anyones breath away.
That's when my mind and not just thoughts, crawl and sink with ink unto paper.

Dedicated to Max <3.

New Year - New Beginning.

New Year, it always has a new beginning, well for most people.
It feels like re-birth, something so astonishing. A new start that will push everything in the past. People usually use New Year as a day to get rid of everything unpleasant in their lives, they leave it in the past. They even give or seek for forgiveness.
I know I have left the past behind, in fact it is now completely out of my mind. I won't miss 2009, it did me no good. It was all filled with so many complications, My mind was clouded with unpleasant thoughts all the time. It was like I was being haunted, not letting happiness appear in my sight, living in darkness. There was no light, even if I saw light I would approach it slowly and it would get dimmer and dimmer by each step I took, until it faded, completely. I let the good things slip through my fingers each and every time, I gave up on things I shouldn't have, I hurt people I shouldn't have.

This year though, I have a feeling it will be different. Because I began not caring about what wanted to bring me down, I began stronger. Now I have reclaimed my happiness and I feel whole again. I may not have what I really wanted, but I have what I need. I have realised that sometimes you can't get what you want, you have to get what you need.
I have what I need, although if It doesn't sutisfy me 100%. I am still 100% Happy.

x.

Selfish

When are you ever going to learn that the world doesn't revolve around your finger?
To me you are stupid. I find you in places where you don't belong.
Where can you belong in my life?. I can't make a choice for you, that choice has already been made and it wasn't by me. If I had a choice it would of been different.
You're worthless, not good enough to waste my time on.
We are close, I would do anything for you, but all you do is fuck me over.
I keep trying, trying my hardest to show you that this is not how I ever wanted you to treat me, that you're not doing anything good for me, that you're hurting me, that you're making me Hate You.
Hatred is not a good choice between us. You are the force that is pushing us apart, away from our friendship, away from our trust.
It seems like you couldn't care less about our friendship, that this is nothing and you wouldn't give a f*** if anything happened to it.
Like those wonderful days and nights where our stomachs ached from laughter, where the only thing we could do was run, run freely, brushing our hands though those colourful flowers meant nothing.
I don't want to lose our friendship. I don't want to lose you. You have a part in my life and I don't want to put you out of it.
I can't put you out of it. You are family.
Although to you it could be nothing, I could be nothing.
Everything about you is careless, Of course why would you care? The only thing you truly care about is yourself. Everything is about you.
Don't try denying it, it will only show the effect it has on you and the anger it's caused you, it would only make it worse. I know you pretty well to judge or else I wouldn't bother. You can't prove me wrong, no one can.
If you can and think that our friendship is something and it will last, Then I would suggest change, because change is what you clearly need now, a change that would bring the laughter back, the happiness, the immortality of our friendship.
The change that would prevent the hatred I'm developing for you.

x.

Please don't mind me crawling on your back.

I'm trying to look for a way to start this but all I can say is that I am truly happy.
Everything's pretty much returning to the way I wanted it to be.
Things are looking up. Finally.
You're gone, the past has gone and I know that I will not miss any of it because I know that I'm better off without it..

Holidays are in 2 weeks time. I want to leave this horible place. I want to go on a holiday, somewhere beautiful, somewhere amazing, somewhere where it has the most beautiful sunsets ever. Queensland-Gold Coast, Yes I want to go there so badly this summer.
Hopefully I'll go, unless something stupid happens that would ruin everything. That's when I'll be really pissed.

I'm also excited for Christmas, Yes, presents, Santa, Colourful lights on trees etc,etc. Im having a photoshoot with the most wondeful photographer:D Franchesca, Soo excited.
I want my tragus to heal before Christmas, it's infected lol.
Anyways I'm off to beach:D WOOOO!!!

x.