One last night.

I'm not sure what to expect. And I don't know if I should prepare myself, for what's about to happen. Everything will end, and restart on Monday.I saw you tonight. And I remembered. I remembered everything. Everything I tried forgetting, for the past 4 years. I thought that maybe...just maybe I could handle it. After everything I put myself through. Extending myself into infinite limits, to find a way, in replacing you. It's very hard. I can't keep myself occupied. I thought I finally had what I needed. But what I needed, destroyed me still. And didn't heal the wounds that had already been created by you. Well not entirely. The same chills run down my spine, every time I see you. I don't know, if I'll ever forget you. But I like the feeling, even though I don't want to admit it. I like the rush of adrenaline, my whole body turning into ice, and that puzzled expression on my face, where my brown eyes turn into solid black. As if I'm horrified. As if I'm seeing something, I prayed to never see.

2010

As I lay these words down. I remember my life in the past year.
I remember great moments, precious memories, amazing achievements and horrific scandals.
I gained some new, wonderful friends. And I lost few ones. I finally came to my senses. The fact that in order to make myself happy, I need to put myself first before some assholes, who seem to take advantage of my love and abuse my trust. I no longer care about people and their insecurities. The ones that were never there for me, will never be. And the ones that are, I know them and will cherish them. I don’t believe in second chances, because I’ve given out way too many, and have never seen an improvement., these people will never change.

Apart from that now, everything was great. Although I got into a few relationships that didn’t work out so well in the end. But yet again, none of it was my fault. I tried keeping these people sane and trying to hold them in my life for as long as possible. And then I gave up. I walked all over them, just like they did to me. But slightly worse. My revenge tasted sweeter.

School was a hole, like always. But he was no longer there. So I felt more relaxed.
I ended up getting into a few fights and arguments, and won them all, so that was good for me too.
Gosh, how I hated that place. I would spit on everyone there if I had the chance.
But who cares, I had my good friends, who were always there for me. One of the major reasons why I didn’t leave that school earlier.
I achieved alot, and aced my school certificate. My formal was amazing, everything went as planned. Not to mention that I won $1500 on the night, and came first place in state in a song writing competition.

Long story, short. I love 2010. Changed me in so many ways.
Thank you for the recovery.

x.

Keep it to yourself.

You seem so lovely. You have already captivated me with some of the things you've told me. I'm not sure who you really are. But I want to find out. I get this sensation every time I think of you. You stand out to me like the white wolf within hundreds of brown ones. Something is pulling me to you, and it's got a very tight grip on me. How delusional to think that there could never be someone, better than the previous one. I'm so afraid though. Afraid of letting my guard down, knowing that you have the ability to destroy me. Once again like the others have. You're beautiful and even beyond it. It all though, just seems too much, I will not be able to handle it. So I'm sorry but, I can't take another chance in love, for I know I will fail once again.

Fuck Life. Fuck Humanity.

I can no longer fucking walk straight.
These shadows are clouding up my way.
Who are you people?
Hypocrites. Blood sucking leeches. You're all fucking filthy.
I fucking trusted you, you little pieces of shit.
I gave you all and you abused my trust.
Filthy scums. You deserve nothing.
I don’t know who are my friends anymore.
I’m being back-stabbed daily.
It’s become a routine.
Each second I wasted on each one of you, I regret.
No words can describe the hate I feel for each one of you right now.
Fucking strangers. Fucking dogs.
Go weep and see who will fucking help you.
I’ll fucking destroy you, one by one.
Leaving you gashes, I will stop you from fucking breathing.
Fuck all of you, seriously.
You’ve all caused me nothing, but pain.

Hold your head up high Dreamer.

Life sometimes brings unexpected changes.
These changes are inevitable.
We have no choice but to accept them.
It makes us a new person. Sometimes it will destroy us.
Sometimes it will dig right into us and touch our souls, with the tip of it's finger.
And then it grows. It grows on us, until we accept it. We accept it as a part of us.
Change doesn't expect you to like it. Most of the time we bring it upon ourselves.
We even have thirst for change. We sometimes need it so badly. It's the only thing we focus on. Because we know, we can no longer take what's happening.
We get used to it eventfully. It eats up whole at once.
We don't know where this might take us.
I like change now. I'm used to it. I feel different.
I feel much better.
That's what I'm willing to work on right now.
To extend myself to be a better person. But yet be happy also.
Change was what I needed. Change is what I got.
And this is where write a new chapter in my life.

x.

We always leave.

Hi, I'm writing to you as a diary this time.

So dear diary.
I don't think I can breath any longer.
Each time I take a breath, It's no use to me.
It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that every second I'm losing my mind.
My tears are cold tonight. Icy on my cheeks.
How much longer will this take.
I can assure you that the pain is back. A second time.
The throbbing pain in my stomach. Like someone is punching me repeatedly.
I don't know how to control it. I've grown too vulnerable to do so.
I'm not happy. I haven't been in about two whole years.
I can no longer find the urge to pull myself back together.
I've lost all hope. Maybe I should just give up already.
Nothing is willing to change. I have lost everything that really meant something to me.
I ache. The agonizing pain rips itself through my stomach. Shredding it. Tearing it. Leaving ragged, unhealed gashes and wounds.
No one will ever know what it feels like.
And It will never end.
So I will just enjoy it. It's all I have.
Pain.

None of you, none of you ever bothered.
None of you stayed true.
If you really think you are that smart to fucking bring me down. Think again.
I will destroy you. I won't stop, until each strand of hair on your body is burned into ashes.
You're all so pathetic. I can't believe you can all turn and look me straight in the eye.
You all take everything for granted. You never appreciate what you have.
You get what you want, and then you no longer want it.
You're all filthy. Drowning in each others sorrow and regrets.
I was there for you all, I trusted you and kept my promises.
You took advantage of everything given.
I'm no longer going to be the person who gives, and gets nothing in return.
I know who are the real people in my life. I can see through each one of you.
I'm angry, I'm devastated, disappointed and hurt.
If you're not willing to stay faithful and true in my life.
I would suggest you walk out now and close the door behind you.
I'm sick of people and their shit.
Humanity is fucked.
And so are you.