Outcomes

It is so exhausting, knowing that everything you have done for a person will eventually go to waste. People can barely ever be pleased and they are always wanting more. They always want what they can't have. I have never felt so isolated in my life. This year had been the toughest year, considering the fact that it involves alot of isolation from he outside world, to gain time and take care of studies in order to meet certain expectations. I climb as high as I can because people encourage me to and all I get in the end is how "dominating" I've become and how I've been putting everyone below me. Doesn't the road of success involve stepping on others in order to get as high as you'd like to be? I can't just simply fade into the background and expect to be suddenly noticed by someone out of the blue. I have to make sure that people notice me and take me seriously for who I am. I have come way too far to fail now and if that leads to a few broken hearts then be it. Life goes on and people gain more insight of their lives every day. The next time someone tries to express their so called "ungratefulness" towards me, I will simply shut them out and continue being my confident self, as i climb my way up that fucking ladder.

Define the meaning of

It's been such a long, long time since I've blogged, however I would like to change this. I always find myself in the stupidest situations, situations that tear my life to pieces bit by bit. I feel so alone. I try so hard to be creative and aim to inspire others, yet I fill them with envy and hate for me. The truth is that my presence fills the room with an intense atmosphere, if I don't get something right, my mood shifts and changes, bringing others down with it. It is not my fault, it is just how I see and react to things and this way people hate me for it. I have experienced so much hate in my life it's tearing me apart. People around me, friends, close ones, family all seem to fill me with darkness and push me as far away as possible. Now I'm utterly unsure if this is just the sadness I'm addicted to, or it is actually the truth that others sometimes try to mask. I used to not care, not to give a flying fuck or a rats ass about what anyone thought of me. But this is different, I try doing something good by someone and all I recieve is criticism and how much bad I'm doing. I just feel so alone, a failure and I dont know how much longer ill be feeling this, I just need someone to save me and tell me that I actually have a place in this world.

Death

I fell apart before my eyes again. This time I didn’t know it was coming, but I knew it was close. My limbs hurt, I felt a faint pain dwelling in my stomach, as if the gashes were beginning to open up again. How could this happen though, I had repaired myself, I held my ground all the time. Every time I take a breath I gag, I don't know why, I don’t know when. Everything just hurts, soon everything will turn into numbness and the dullness will return, my biggest fear will return. Ill be drowning in the same sea again. However maybe this time it will be easier, since I’m so used to the emptiness, I just hope I haven’t forgotten, well not completely. I’m being destroyed without even realizing it.

Hope.

I hope this title has not been repeated.
It's been a few months since I've come here, to lay my thoughts on paper.
I miss it here, so therefore I've decided to write tonight.

As usual, I feel as if I’m trapped alone in an unknown place, where home is nowhere near.
Maybe I'm supposed to be a lost soul, maybe I'm not supposed to find my way back.
I feel as if there is something missing, or something that's just not quite right. I find myself running in circles, at the same place repeatedly and not realising that I've been doing it.
I'm a lovely person but then something happens to me, something I'm not quite familiar with just yet. I turn into something that's deranged and eccentric, I lose control of who I'm supposed to be and I become something I'm not. I become extremely precarious and indecisive. As if I'm shaking uncontrollably and I don't know why and I don't know why I can't control it. It eats me up from the inside, it swallows me whole. I become nothing but a monster full of hate and despair.
I live in fear, the thoughts of me becoming insane and pushing everything good far far away.
But that a different story..Right?

Hell, part II.

"Maybe you're better off alone, you're independent and smart, you don't need anyone"

Maybe I am.
My whole life, I've looked at people around me and none of them have quite satisfied me. I don't even have a role model. I can't find someone worthy enough for me to rely on and look up to. I haven't found anyone that can show me a better way. I sometimes believe it is because I have been consumed by power and the need to be alone. I don't like involving myself with those who are lower than my level. The ones that find doing the wrong things, right.
I mean of course, you are "young" and you should fool around as much as possible before all the rules and consequences kick in. But what happens when you're so focused on "having fun" and creating these imaginary worlds, and they all end up crashing down before your eyes at once. What happens when reality hits? What happens when the weight of the world is now on your shoulders and you're not prepared?
I sometimes feel blessed. That this gift I've been given is remarkable. The ability to see things clearly as they are. The ability to figure out what is really wrong and what is right, without someone having to point it out to you.
I was never taught these things. I taught them to myself. I had to figure everything out on my own, and still do, all the time.
However I refuse to share these things with the ignorant. I don't want to be the one showing people their paths, I don't really have time for that, and even if it were shown, they would gladly reject it, so why bother?
It saves me time, pain and walls not entirely caring for the mistakes someone makes. If I find no real gratification from the person in front of me, then I just leave. I leave so I'm not the one being hurt, and I leave them to whatever they think is right for them. I walk out knowing that this person did not belong in my life

Hell, part I.

I can no longer shout or scream. I have lost my voice.
No one can hear me. No one will ever be there.
Who am I supposed to run to all the time?
All those backs are turned on me. Is it maybe time that I turn my back on the whole world?
Either way I fee like I'm losing everything. Everyone walks away.
You know, it'd be nice to know that someone has entered your life and they are willing to remain there forever. It's nice to know that you're not always the one being left behind.
How much longer am I going to dwell in this darkness of dolor?
The only things I feel right now is despondency and emptiness. As if my stomach is being burned, stabbed and punched repeatedly.
Never in my life will I ever rely on a person, I'd rather be alone than to be hurt repeatedly.

Twilight.

This to me, seems to be sheer perfection.
Yet again I find myself biting on my lips and making them bleed.
I don't seem to quite understand the meaning of it all.
I don't know how to put the puzzle back together, because I fear what the complete outcome might be.
What if this image depicts my future and who I'll be?
I fear too many things and I find myself shattering my world over and over again.
I don't believe that something good, could ever happen to me. And if it ever does, I'll ruin it because of my doubts. I feel as if I'm not good enough for anything, well not anything, but I'm just not good at holding my world together. It's as if I'm cursed. I can't put things back to where they belong.
I fear that I eventually lose what I love. I fear that I'll always be the one left behind. I fear that I won't be accepted for who I am. I have way too many flaws on my shoulders and it's hard for me to hide my emptiness, because you can't really hide what's not there.
I just fear being given up on over and over again.