2010

As I lay these words down. I remember my life in the past year.
I remember great moments, precious memories, amazing achievements and horrific scandals.
I gained some new, wonderful friends. And I lost few ones. I finally came to my senses. The fact that in order to make myself happy, I need to put myself first before some assholes, who seem to take advantage of my love and abuse my trust. I no longer care about people and their insecurities. The ones that were never there for me, will never be. And the ones that are, I know them and will cherish them. I don’t believe in second chances, because I’ve given out way too many, and have never seen an improvement., these people will never change.

Apart from that now, everything was great. Although I got into a few relationships that didn’t work out so well in the end. But yet again, none of it was my fault. I tried keeping these people sane and trying to hold them in my life for as long as possible. And then I gave up. I walked all over them, just like they did to me. But slightly worse. My revenge tasted sweeter.

School was a hole, like always. But he was no longer there. So I felt more relaxed.
I ended up getting into a few fights and arguments, and won them all, so that was good for me too.
Gosh, how I hated that place. I would spit on everyone there if I had the chance.
But who cares, I had my good friends, who were always there for me. One of the major reasons why I didn’t leave that school earlier.
I achieved alot, and aced my school certificate. My formal was amazing, everything went as planned. Not to mention that I won $1500 on the night, and came first place in state in a song writing competition.

Long story, short. I love 2010. Changed me in so many ways.
Thank you for the recovery.

x.

Keep it to yourself.

You seem so lovely. You have already captivated me with some of the things you've told me. I'm not sure who you really are. But I want to find out. I get this sensation every time I think of you. You stand out to me like the white wolf within hundreds of brown ones. Something is pulling me to you, and it's got a very tight grip on me. How delusional to think that there could never be someone, better than the previous one. I'm so afraid though. Afraid of letting my guard down, knowing that you have the ability to destroy me. Once again like the others have. You're beautiful and even beyond it. It all though, just seems too much, I will not be able to handle it. So I'm sorry but, I can't take another chance in love, for I know I will fail once again.

Fuck Life. Fuck Humanity.

I can no longer fucking walk straight.
These shadows are clouding up my way.
Who are you people?
Hypocrites. Blood sucking leeches. You're all fucking filthy.
I fucking trusted you, you little pieces of shit.
I gave you all and you abused my trust.
Filthy scums. You deserve nothing.
I don’t know who are my friends anymore.
I’m being back-stabbed daily.
It’s become a routine.
Each second I wasted on each one of you, I regret.
No words can describe the hate I feel for each one of you right now.
Fucking strangers. Fucking dogs.
Go weep and see who will fucking help you.
I’ll fucking destroy you, one by one.
Leaving you gashes, I will stop you from fucking breathing.
Fuck all of you, seriously.
You’ve all caused me nothing, but pain.

Hold your head up high Dreamer.

Life sometimes brings unexpected changes.
These changes are inevitable.
We have no choice but to accept them.
It makes us a new person. Sometimes it will destroy us.
Sometimes it will dig right into us and touch our souls, with the tip of it's finger.
And then it grows. It grows on us, until we accept it. We accept it as a part of us.
Change doesn't expect you to like it. Most of the time we bring it upon ourselves.
We even have thirst for change. We sometimes need it so badly. It's the only thing we focus on. Because we know, we can no longer take what's happening.
We get used to it eventfully. It eats up whole at once.
We don't know where this might take us.
I like change now. I'm used to it. I feel different.
I feel much better.
That's what I'm willing to work on right now.
To extend myself to be a better person. But yet be happy also.
Change was what I needed. Change is what I got.
And this is where write a new chapter in my life.

x.

We always leave.

Hi, I'm writing to you as a diary this time.

So dear diary.
I don't think I can breath any longer.
Each time I take a breath, It's no use to me.
It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that every second I'm losing my mind.
My tears are cold tonight. Icy on my cheeks.
How much longer will this take.
I can assure you that the pain is back. A second time.
The throbbing pain in my stomach. Like someone is punching me repeatedly.
I don't know how to control it. I've grown too vulnerable to do so.
I'm not happy. I haven't been in about two whole years.
I can no longer find the urge to pull myself back together.
I've lost all hope. Maybe I should just give up already.
Nothing is willing to change. I have lost everything that really meant something to me.
I ache. The agonizing pain rips itself through my stomach. Shredding it. Tearing it. Leaving ragged, unhealed gashes and wounds.
No one will ever know what it feels like.
And It will never end.
So I will just enjoy it. It's all I have.
Pain.

None of you, none of you ever bothered.
None of you stayed true.
If you really think you are that smart to fucking bring me down. Think again.
I will destroy you. I won't stop, until each strand of hair on your body is burned into ashes.
You're all so pathetic. I can't believe you can all turn and look me straight in the eye.
You all take everything for granted. You never appreciate what you have.
You get what you want, and then you no longer want it.
You're all filthy. Drowning in each others sorrow and regrets.
I was there for you all, I trusted you and kept my promises.
You took advantage of everything given.
I'm no longer going to be the person who gives, and gets nothing in return.
I know who are the real people in my life. I can see through each one of you.
I'm angry, I'm devastated, disappointed and hurt.
If you're not willing to stay faithful and true in my life.
I would suggest you walk out now and close the door behind you.
I'm sick of people and their shit.
Humanity is fucked.
And so are you.

Double Nightmare.

It wasn't as dark. The sun was just starting to set.
There was the forest, and I was walking with them.
I decided to walk alone, getting lost in the woods.
The grass was damp beneath my feet, The fragrance of burnt wood lingered through the forest.
I saw a small house, it was destroyed. Small and left all alone.
I danced in that blue dress with the wind. I stopped and looked around me.
All those beautiful trees surrounding me. So beautiful.
That was when I saw them. They were so huge.
I didn't know what they were, They looked like huge bulldogs.
They were scary, very scary. One bite and they would shred you into pieces.
I started running, they were behind the gates.
An old lady ran out of the small, ugly house. She screamed in horror.
That was when I realized the gate was opened.
I saw one running at me. So I ran as fast as I could. My screams were silent and my breath was cut short.
The beast bit my dress off to my knees, and then it started to lose control and try to bite me.
The old lady came with a shovel and shoved it into the beast's mouth.
It ran back to its pack, and we ran to close the gates before the 10 or so of them could run outside. We pulled the gates closed as the tried to claw our hands off.
I ran back to find the ones I left. I ran in horror.
And I woke up. Twice.

Poetreeee.

As the night falls, as the wind blows.
My heart shatters into pieces. It falls on the floor.
Very quietly, drowning in silence.
As I begged beyond the blue sky. I screamed your name.
You can't hear me, you can't remember me, you are forgetting me.
My mind is controlling me. I'm feeling guilty.
Why am I living? everything is so empty.
Those are the thoughts, you made me think.
In the beginning. I whispered to you quietly in the darkness.
I told you that I wasn't real, I would fade.
You won't care, because I'm no longer there.
I'm not what you always wanted. Forget it.
As I lay my hand against your cheek.
I inhale the fragrance of regret.
Now sleep my dear, sleep my love.
And when you wake up, You will realize that I'm just a dream.
I love you, now forget me.
Leave as the icy wind blows.
Leave.

Just for tomorrow.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't have the strength to hold on.
I won't make it, I know that.
I'm starting to give up on almost everything.
Everything including existence.
I thought things were getting better.
But once they do, things change, things go wrong. I fuck up most of the time. Letting everything around me fall.
I just stand there, looking at the glass walls shatter to pieces and fall all around me.
I guess I'll just let this take me wherever it desires.
I just really want everything to end.
I want a new chapter in my life.
I want change, I need change.
Maybe if I worry less, things will better.
Or maybe I should just end everything myself.

x.

Don't you dare go down.

Fuck everywhere I look, it seems as if, everything is crashing down to pieces.
How could I possibly keep up with everything.
Some of you took my love for granted and even abused my trust.
Some of you are out of my life, forever. I don't even know how I can look at each one of your faces, without feeling sick.
Is this how things are meant to be?
Being so abstruse to a point where confusion is created.
I don't even know what's happening to me anymore.
I see the worse in everything. I fuck shit up all the time.
And why? Because none of you were true. None of you.
These are my decisions. Now stop fucking with my mind.
There is no longer a freedom of forgiveness, once you fuck things up. That's it.
Do not expect a second chance.
People want to change the world. But none of you is willing to change. So how is that going to work?
We are are all selfish, our hearts are filled with hate for eachother.
I don't even know what to do right now.
So I'll just stay where I am.
Nothing, but darkness ahead of me.

x.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

That’s what she ended up saying to me.
I was losing it, completely.
How could I be ever replaced? I was there when you were choking, I was there when you almost took your own life, I was there when you were huffing blood from your lungs.
I was simply there when you needed me.
Now here you are, splitting me into half, one half for the good, one half for the bad.
Fuck you, if you ever even thought about replacing me.
I never mistreated you once, I let down my guard and i trusted you with my whole heart.
You are an infuriating, attention seeking, immature idiot. They don’t even know that you’re a whore. I wonder what they would think if they did.
I was so blinded, I can’t believe it. Thank you for the ones who pointed it out for me in the beginning, and I’m sorry I never believed any of you. I was so in-considered.
I hope you had your fingers crossed very tight when you were spilling all those lies, I could see right through you then, see you denying the truth.
How could I be so naive.
x.

Recovery

Things haven't been like this in a such long time.
Although I cry myself to sleep most nights.
My breathing seems to be slightly less heavier I suppose.
Or is that just an assumption? I don't really know.
I don't know if I'm growing stronger or weaker.
Or maybe I'm just moody, it isn't bothering me as much.
But I'll let it go. Just like I let everything else go.
Easy up, loosen everything, cold fresh air, through bloody lungs.
I'm messing up maybe a little, but no one has to find out right?
I will hide it like I've hidden everything else before.
No ones going to wonder, no ones going to know.
I sounded so psychotic right this instant. It scared me a little.
But as I was typing. No one knew anything. So it will stay as it is.
I'm slowly losing my mind now.
I'm going to leave and not look back.
I'll let the wind blow through my hair, and leave a cold breeze on my neck.
Once the sunsets, I will close my eyes.

x.

Another Chapter.

I don't know what's happening to me.
I can no longer hold myself together.
I can no longer hold the tears back. I have grown weaker than ever.
I am giving you myself, wholly, and it still doesn't seem good enough for you.
I don't deserve this, I really don't.
I can't put all of my pieces together alone.
I need you to be there, to help me pick them up at least.
I need you to be there, to a full extent. I need you to be there like I am for you.
I thought that maybe perhaps this could be more than just a game.
Games get played, and if you fall in love. You lose.
To me now love is fake, it is no more than just a hoax.
No one showed me true love, so why then shall I believe in it.
So let's play the game, But I'm warning you I won't lose.
I keep my promises.

x.

Brutality.

For once. For once it hit me just then.
No matter how much I have, no matter how hard I try.
I'm never good enough.
It just hit me out of nowhere.
The realisation. What was really wrong.
How could I be so blind. It wasn't something new.
It happened all the time. Throughout everything.
If I really were, I would have had what I wanted already.
I would have had what I needed.
A part of me wants to break everything, the other is trying to control it.
I never saw this coming before.
And now it hurts. It really hurts.
I can barely breath.
I'm going to walk away now.
I will never be good enough.

x.

Just Stop

I'm going to nail it down, I'm thinking.
I've got it, I know I have.
I slip and hit the wrong side. Once again.
Things like these I know I need to focus on.
But will focusing on them too hard make me slip?
Do the wrong thing again.
The tears are running down her cheeks. Once they hit the ground they turn into striking blue flowers.
But as if there would be something as beautiful as that.
Father, why don't you pay attention to your children. Father they are losing themselves. Maybe that is why, each one of your children will have their necks through ropes.
And I can hear it ringing in my ears, I know what I need to do.
I just can't find the urge to do it.
The decisions are my own. Yet they're not clear. They come with dark clouds.
I'm not as icy as I seem to some people. I can't feel the cold inside of me.
But I do have my own dark side. Which only a few have seen. The trusted ones.
I tell you I care about you and you tell her you care about her.
You piece of shit. I will break your jaw.
Oh wait, I just did.
Now what?

Autumn.

I'm doing this to myself.
No ones forcing anything down my throat.
But they're the ones that make me do it.
And don't I just love it when I get hurt.
Don't I just love it when the daggers are driven through me until their tips touch my spine.
Place your hands on my shoulders. Can you feel the warmth? Can you feel the pulse underneath my flesh?
I'm giving you my everything.
I'm making you my world.
What else do you want from me.
None of it seems to be enough.
Once I realize I have you in my arms, you slip out and throw yourself on someone else.
And then you come back and do it again.
I'm giving up on you. You're starting to make me sick.
Bitter again, as bitter as I was before.
It weighs on my memory like sins linger guilty minds.
Don't tell me I mean allot to you. It's a lie.
You say the same thing to everyone else.
So don't expect me to feel more special than them.
All of this is worthless.
I'm done.

x.

When the sun goes down.

I remember her whispering in my ear.
She told me about everything, her existence.
There was no step taken alone.
It was me and her on the side.
We thought, acted, destroyed and ran together.
There was no ending with her there.
I thought I would be by her side forever.
I tore myself from her, but what not. I was a child.
A child with miseries and options.
I had no control over it, I had no power.
I looked for what was best for me.
I'm afraid now. Afraid you'll forget me.
Afraid I'll fade for you. become dull.
I promise to never forget you my best friend.
You will always be a part of me.
I will return soon.
I miss you, I love you, I forgive you.

x.

Shaken Up.

I did it again.
Dragged myself to the pits of hell.
I've lost control. My head feels heavy.
I'm screaming so loud, but the words just wont come out.
The screams fade, into the world of silence.
I need you, to need me.
I need stability and consistence.
Pull me tightly, security and peace.
I'm so exhausted, I need to let go.
I'm breathing heavily, air like knives in my lungs.
The hopes and dreams are torn to pieces. They become dull, very hard to see.
I need change. I need happiness.
I'm making this everything and you nothing.
It will make you reminisce.
Falling like autumn leaves, The fall and death.
But I'll regain my conscious. Sooner or later.
One after the other, they come and go. Yet none of them knows anything.
They don't know. They try, but they still don't know.
My mind, My thoughts. No more, No less.

When the sun rises.

I woke up this morning with a thirst to write.
It was cold and I licked the air dry.
I thought twice about what I was doing.
Where was I heading and why was I running down the same hill again.
I ran down that hill for 3 years now. It belonged to me.
I'm shaken up and uncontrollable. Times of hurt and sorrow.
Tiny shivers run through me when I hear him say that he loves me.
I pick up the pen and write everything down. My mind sinks and the music grows louder. They are words written and feelings people have felt.
I try blocking him, but hes too shifty, He has swift movements and he moves too quickly in my head. Reminding me of everything. Everything that happened when I was standing here and he was standing there.
The place I learn in, Is the last place I have memories from. They were the ones I treasured.
It doesn't matter now. I'm still writing. And writing is what matters now.
No brutality, No chaos, No riot.
Just me, The paper and the pen.
I can't destroy them all at once, So I'll just take them down one by one. There's only a few of them left anyway. That's what she said before and after.
She's winning, You can see her. She has everything and she asks for more. Once she gets sick of it, she just simply throws it away. Moving on to the next host.
Get your act together darling. Some of those things are worth it. Just remember this.
Now I'm done.
Those were all the things that ran through my head today, tonight.

Yeah, Just tie him the bed and set this house on fire.

It's not something I should be proud of.
It drags me down, to the bottom.
How could you just simply hate someone?
After how much they've hurt you, taught you to be someone different, torn your heart out and stepped on it multiple times, wished that your existence ended.
And yet you still forgive them.
Maybe it's just pity, or maybe it's that; this particular person was with you through everything and that the only thing you can see in them, is the good things they have done for you. What they have sacrificed will then be the clearer picture you see.

Some might want to destroy them.
And honestly if she wants to destroy them now, why didn't she think about this earlier. That maybe for a moment, things would end badly. It would be no fairytale.
I guess now it's her mistake to learn from. But it's too late now. She's put it off for way to long to fix things. There is no solution, there is only ending. The end of this will free her. From her own mistake.
And for me it's hands down, I'm too proud for love.

Pessimist.

Just sitting there reading that article.
It reminded me of how much hope I had.
How much, even though I knew it wasn't possible. I made myself, believe that it would happen. I hoped and made myself believe over and over again. I fought for it, I fought for you.
No one mattered as much as you did. No one had what you had. That spark you had in your eyes, and even though you were as cold as an iceberg, you still filled me with hope, you filled me with something no one ever can ever define. It was almost as if gravity wasn't the one holding me down, it was you.
You were everything and now you've become nothing.
As if you fell from heaven and then you faded into the pits of hell.
And now I’m a pessimist, bringing out the worst in everything, because I'm afraid of being hurt again.
I used to do things without thinking and now I even over analyse things. Turning beautiful amazing things into filth. I habitually see the worst, and only the worst.
I wish you never existed, not now, not yet.

Dragonlady.

The bitch is crazy.
Nothing satisfies her and it's as if she's against the whole universe.
She doesn't accept what's been said and she's completely ignorant.
Striving and even reaching for perfection, doesn't persuade her.
Comparison is her first option.
A hypocrite, who hollers and growls at everything that's been said.
Arguments are only won with pain and hurt. She doesn't understand, until the dagger is driven right through her heart.
You show her love, she doesn't appreciate it. You show her understanding, she doesn't appreciate it. You show her the right way, she doesn't accept it and just simply runs away.
She's made mistakes, big ones. Her mistakes are her nightmares. They are haunting her and turning her life into filth, not worth living.
I don't care anymore, there is no conviction.
Just pierce her heart with words like a dagger and twist.
It doesn't have to be that way though.
She needs to see the light, the truth another way.
Live what I've lived. Think the way I think.
But she won't do that.
She doesn't know who I am, I'm not like her.

x.

You shredded my stomach into pieces.

I sat there today, listening to the man with the black suit and black tie, talking about whatever he was talking about.
He was great at everything he was saying, blurring words, digging them into our minds, showing us that what we are doing is wrong.
But that's not the point.
He mentioned it, mentioned the feeling, the comittment.
I found myself gasping for breath, I tried looking for what was eating me from the inside.
It was the feeling, the feeling I had when you were around.
It came to me again, the pain was back. Drilling itself through my stomach.
A log started building itself in my throat, waiting for me to burst into tears.
But I knew better.
It took me a moment to recover, to push everything away, far away and focus on what was happening. I made myself think that this was just a lecture, making myself forget the pain, loss and the mistake I'd done. Snapping back to reality once again.
Although I saw you once again today. I hated it, you haven't changed one bit.
Same cold look into your eyes, as if you were looking right through my soul.
But I can't forget it, you were everything I needed and I couldn't ever have.

x.

Don't look behind you.

Where exactly am I going with this.
Being questioned about who I was, who I am and who I will be.
How am I supposed to know? I never gave myself the time to think about "Tomorrow".
Just hearing about it made shiver and fill my heart with ice.
What frustrates me is, that it is not in my hands. I can't just do or choose what I trully want. There are alot of other expectations from me out there, from different others. There are boundaries to everything I do.
What if I stop existing by tomorrow?
What is the point of planning something that's not willing to happen?
I'm not wrong nor am I right, I have my own view of things and I'm willing to go with it. To go with the gift I've been given.
I don't rely on future, future is not set on stone and things change, people become different from time to time.
For now, I'll be trapped in present.
Peace.

x.

Once.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman<3

Let's not fight, I'm tired can't we just sleep?

It seems to me that I’m growing more careless.
The things that meant the most and the ones who kept me going are becoming somehow more unreliable.
I've advised those who needed my help, I gave them options to choose from and no one ever actually listened to what could've helped them.
They decided to go with the completely wrong choices, the ones that would make them become weaker and....wrong.
I've given up on that now, I'm more self sufficient than ever.
If you are not willing to take what's given from me to you, then don't bother asking for it in the first place.
And don't ever ask me any questions again, unless you can handle the answer.
I don't see a point in giving so much, getting people to really understand you and you never get anything back.
I'm not losing my generosity or anything. Life just seems much, much easier when you don't care.


x.

Yesterday.

And I thought I had finally found someone to pick up the broken pieces.
What happened to you're my one and only? It was bullshit right.
I told you I needed someone with morals and who would stand their ground.
You told me there was still hope.
What hope?
The part where you gave up within the slightest idea of being hurt by something so worthless?
You showed me weakness.
How could someone give up on someone they love so easily?
I thought it was about the whole "we will fight together and will not let anyone come between us".
And now you let something so small push you away from me.
I am your loss and you have now realized that.
You are lost, confused and vulnerable.
You're inconsiderate and you did not weigh your options.
I won't come back in your arms, I'm sorry.
I need someone better, I agree.
But I am here for you and I won't hurt you.
That was my promise.
And I intend to keep it.

x.

Real World.

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.

This is new I guess, everything seems new.
It's as if the gashes are healing, completely.
Everything happened so quickly though.
I don't know why. My life just took a quick turn.
I'm still trying to get used to it, bit by bit.
Learn how to be happy again. Without hesitations.
Without the emptiness and the misery.
I guess it's pulling me out from inside.
I don't know if it's too good to be true.
So I guess I'll just let it drag me along.
Let's just hope it's worth it.

x.

Vulnerable.

You and you're memories are all coming back again.
To break the walls I've built to keep you out.
Out of my head, out of my site, out of my memory, out of my mind.
I can't say I don't miss you, you were everything I desired after all.
But all you did was get what you wanted and then walk away.
Leaving me with unhealed gashes. F.A.G
I might be a little bit afraid. Afraid of nearly everything this life throws at me.
Vulnerable.
Thinking, Dreaming or Hearing anything about you is unhealthy.
You need to stay out, you have to stay out of my head completely.
I'm way better off without you.
And you probably already know that.
You know I need you, I always do but I'm holding on very hard so I don't end up throwing myself at you again. ever again.
But I know I will. So be ready.

x.

When Everything Becomes Nothing.

I seriously don't know where I'm going with this or how long it will last.
I feel fine, I feel perfect but it's so easy for me to fall down and start tearing.
It's disgusting, since when was I ever like this. I can't feel my strength anymore.
I find it hard to find the urge to fight my emotions, the reckless ones, the ones that make me feel like a pile of shit.
I'm starting to hate nearly everything and love only a few.
The damage has been done, the wounds are healed but turned into scars. So what exactly happens when you start damaging those scars again. It's just the same pain, the same hurt and just simply the same damage as the first time.
I need it to stop, but how can I when every now and then someone enters my life and screws everything up.
I even regret letting some people in my life. They're all a bunch of assholes.
I have a big heart and big dreams, I'm definitely above average but at the same time the scars are still visible, to everyone. It's like they aim for them, wanting to bring the aching, the dull, steady pain back.
I had everything from time to time and suddenly, it was like everything was nothing. It just disappeared.
And I know want it back.

Follow or Lead

There was no love, only hate and betrayal.
I woke up. Tears running down my cheeks, they were cold tears, tears of fear.
My chest felt heavy, that was when I realized it was morning. The sun shined bright in my eyes, as I wiped them.
How could this possibly happen?
I thought we were family, we were friends. We had the same blood running through our veins. I wish I could slice my arms opened and replace the blood. I would be better off without it. Sharing blood with the ones who make me feel like I don't belong.
Where do I belong?
With yous? Then where is the love?, have we forgotten about it?, What about family always comes first? No matter what?.
Why is there so much cruelty? Why do you learn how to hate before how to love?
Is it because we're different? Everyone's different, you can't expect everyone to be exactly like you, like a clone of you.
I am who I am, and I know for sure that I will never become who you want me to be.
I don't need your acceptance, I would rather have you hate me for who I am than to love me for who I'm not.
"I hate you" I screamed and so did he. That was when I thought....
It was just a nightmare, I just hope in reality it wouldn't happen.

The Way I See It.

So how do thoughts actually fall on paper?
To me this is how it all happens.
My mind gets full, full of thoughts that want to escape.
I want them to escape, I need them to escape, but I must do it in a sensible way.
My mind sinks into darkness, deep darkness, where only my words can be heard. No music, no sound, no touch, no nothing. Only feelings, words and deep dark silence. There is no running away. I realize this is the place I need to be, safe and secure, the darkness, the black is gold.
Sometimes things may seem strange, They may be different from what I see. I change reality in what I want it to be. My world, the place where I'm safe. The place where thoughts actually fall on paper and not get too crowded, A place that would take anyones breath away.
That's when my mind and not just thoughts, crawl and sink with ink unto paper.

Dedicated to Max <3.

New Year - New Beginning.

New Year, it always has a new beginning, well for most people.
It feels like re-birth, something so astonishing. A new start that will push everything in the past. People usually use New Year as a day to get rid of everything unpleasant in their lives, they leave it in the past. They even give or seek for forgiveness.
I know I have left the past behind, in fact it is now completely out of my mind. I won't miss 2009, it did me no good. It was all filled with so many complications, My mind was clouded with unpleasant thoughts all the time. It was like I was being haunted, not letting happiness appear in my sight, living in darkness. There was no light, even if I saw light I would approach it slowly and it would get dimmer and dimmer by each step I took, until it faded, completely. I let the good things slip through my fingers each and every time, I gave up on things I shouldn't have, I hurt people I shouldn't have.

This year though, I have a feeling it will be different. Because I began not caring about what wanted to bring me down, I began stronger. Now I have reclaimed my happiness and I feel whole again. I may not have what I really wanted, but I have what I need. I have realised that sometimes you can't get what you want, you have to get what you need.
I have what I need, although if It doesn't sutisfy me 100%. I am still 100% Happy.

x.