We always leave.

Hi, I'm writing to you as a diary this time.

So dear diary.
I don't think I can breath any longer.
Each time I take a breath, It's no use to me.
It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change the fact that every second I'm losing my mind.
My tears are cold tonight. Icy on my cheeks.
How much longer will this take.
I can assure you that the pain is back. A second time.
The throbbing pain in my stomach. Like someone is punching me repeatedly.
I don't know how to control it. I've grown too vulnerable to do so.
I'm not happy. I haven't been in about two whole years.
I can no longer find the urge to pull myself back together.
I've lost all hope. Maybe I should just give up already.
Nothing is willing to change. I have lost everything that really meant something to me.
I ache. The agonizing pain rips itself through my stomach. Shredding it. Tearing it. Leaving ragged, unhealed gashes and wounds.
No one will ever know what it feels like.
And It will never end.
So I will just enjoy it. It's all I have.
Pain.

None of you, none of you ever bothered.
None of you stayed true.
If you really think you are that smart to fucking bring me down. Think again.
I will destroy you. I won't stop, until each strand of hair on your body is burned into ashes.
You're all so pathetic. I can't believe you can all turn and look me straight in the eye.
You all take everything for granted. You never appreciate what you have.
You get what you want, and then you no longer want it.
You're all filthy. Drowning in each others sorrow and regrets.
I was there for you all, I trusted you and kept my promises.
You took advantage of everything given.
I'm no longer going to be the person who gives, and gets nothing in return.
I know who are the real people in my life. I can see through each one of you.
I'm angry, I'm devastated, disappointed and hurt.
If you're not willing to stay faithful and true in my life.
I would suggest you walk out now and close the door behind you.
I'm sick of people and their shit.
Humanity is fucked.
And so are you.

Double Nightmare.

It wasn't as dark. The sun was just starting to set.
There was the forest, and I was walking with them.
I decided to walk alone, getting lost in the woods.
The grass was damp beneath my feet, The fragrance of burnt wood lingered through the forest.
I saw a small house, it was destroyed. Small and left all alone.
I danced in that blue dress with the wind. I stopped and looked around me.
All those beautiful trees surrounding me. So beautiful.
That was when I saw them. They were so huge.
I didn't know what they were, They looked like huge bulldogs.
They were scary, very scary. One bite and they would shred you into pieces.
I started running, they were behind the gates.
An old lady ran out of the small, ugly house. She screamed in horror.
That was when I realized the gate was opened.
I saw one running at me. So I ran as fast as I could. My screams were silent and my breath was cut short.
The beast bit my dress off to my knees, and then it started to lose control and try to bite me.
The old lady came with a shovel and shoved it into the beast's mouth.
It ran back to its pack, and we ran to close the gates before the 10 or so of them could run outside. We pulled the gates closed as the tried to claw our hands off.
I ran back to find the ones I left. I ran in horror.
And I woke up. Twice.

Poetreeee.

As the night falls, as the wind blows.
My heart shatters into pieces. It falls on the floor.
Very quietly, drowning in silence.
As I begged beyond the blue sky. I screamed your name.
You can't hear me, you can't remember me, you are forgetting me.
My mind is controlling me. I'm feeling guilty.
Why am I living? everything is so empty.
Those are the thoughts, you made me think.
In the beginning. I whispered to you quietly in the darkness.
I told you that I wasn't real, I would fade.
You won't care, because I'm no longer there.
I'm not what you always wanted. Forget it.
As I lay my hand against your cheek.
I inhale the fragrance of regret.
Now sleep my dear, sleep my love.
And when you wake up, You will realize that I'm just a dream.
I love you, now forget me.
Leave as the icy wind blows.
Leave.

Just for tomorrow.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't have the strength to hold on.
I won't make it, I know that.
I'm starting to give up on almost everything.
Everything including existence.
I thought things were getting better.
But once they do, things change, things go wrong. I fuck up most of the time. Letting everything around me fall.
I just stand there, looking at the glass walls shatter to pieces and fall all around me.
I guess I'll just let this take me wherever it desires.
I just really want everything to end.
I want a new chapter in my life.
I want change, I need change.
Maybe if I worry less, things will better.
Or maybe I should just end everything myself.

x.

Don't you dare go down.

Fuck everywhere I look, it seems as if, everything is crashing down to pieces.
How could I possibly keep up with everything.
Some of you took my love for granted and even abused my trust.
Some of you are out of my life, forever. I don't even know how I can look at each one of your faces, without feeling sick.
Is this how things are meant to be?
Being so abstruse to a point where confusion is created.
I don't even know what's happening to me anymore.
I see the worse in everything. I fuck shit up all the time.
And why? Because none of you were true. None of you.
These are my decisions. Now stop fucking with my mind.
There is no longer a freedom of forgiveness, once you fuck things up. That's it.
Do not expect a second chance.
People want to change the world. But none of you is willing to change. So how is that going to work?
We are are all selfish, our hearts are filled with hate for eachother.
I don't even know what to do right now.
So I'll just stay where I am.
Nothing, but darkness ahead of me.

x.