Turquoise Sky

I seem to be going back to my old habits once again.
I keep missing the boat. I lose control of myself.
I come across as Intractable, contrary, perverse, unpredictable, unemotional and detached.
All these negatives come and consume me. This is where my dark side is revealed.
This is where I show everyone, what they haven't seen in me.
I am sometimes disappointed emotionally because of my own, high, personal ideals causing me to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if I am deceived, then my anger is terrible and may sometimes get out of control.
The only thing that I'm bound and find hard doing is letting down the mental guard that I keep on my emotions, that stops me from being the self I long to be.
I must admit I am flawed. But then yet again, who isn't.
I am who I am, at least I'm true.
Although these things happen unintentionally, I'll find a way to prevent them.
I'll work through this. I'm Independent and I stand alone most of the time.
It's me against the world most of the time.
So I'll find my own way, no matter how long it takes me.
I'll find myself and bring the best out.
For now, I'll just remain the insane person I always am.

x.

Hit the road.

It's been a long time since I've written here.
School has consumed my life.
But tonight is different, tonight I will write again.
And here it goes.

I will never set out my thoughts with lies on paper.
It's thoughts on paper, not lies on paper.
Everyone is telling me that tonight is cold, but tonight is not cold for me.
I can hardly feel anything at all anymore. I've blocked every memory, every emotion you ever gave me. And warmth was one of them.
The flame in my heart has grown cold for a while now.
I'm so used to it, it's a part of me.
Sometimes i'll be gone and you won't even notice.
I may seem heartless to some people, but I'm really not. I've just learned to build a bridge and get over things very quickly.
I no longer hover over useless things. I'm not wasting my time. I don't worry.
I just live, well at least I try to. I don't expect anything, because it always leads to disappointment. My expectations are quite high and they won't be met by some. So I just take it as it comes. No this, not that, no nothing. Just me.
It drags me with the flow. I can't breath, but I don't really care.
Nothing really matters, just the silence. The cold air blowing through my hair, the sunshine on my face and the silence.