Brutality.

For once. For once it hit me just then.
No matter how much I have, no matter how hard I try.
I'm never good enough.
It just hit me out of nowhere.
The realisation. What was really wrong.
How could I be so blind. It wasn't something new.
It happened all the time. Throughout everything.
If I really were, I would have had what I wanted already.
I would have had what I needed.
A part of me wants to break everything, the other is trying to control it.
I never saw this coming before.
And now it hurts. It really hurts.
I can barely breath.
I'm going to walk away now.
I will never be good enough.

x.

Just Stop

I'm going to nail it down, I'm thinking.
I've got it, I know I have.
I slip and hit the wrong side. Once again.
Things like these I know I need to focus on.
But will focusing on them too hard make me slip?
Do the wrong thing again.
The tears are running down her cheeks. Once they hit the ground they turn into striking blue flowers.
But as if there would be something as beautiful as that.
Father, why don't you pay attention to your children. Father they are losing themselves. Maybe that is why, each one of your children will have their necks through ropes.
And I can hear it ringing in my ears, I know what I need to do.
I just can't find the urge to do it.
The decisions are my own. Yet they're not clear. They come with dark clouds.
I'm not as icy as I seem to some people. I can't feel the cold inside of me.
But I do have my own dark side. Which only a few have seen. The trusted ones.
I tell you I care about you and you tell her you care about her.
You piece of shit. I will break your jaw.
Oh wait, I just did.
Now what?