Sleepless nights

Nights like these remind me of 3 years ago. When everything came crashing down and when I finally made the decision to turn my emotions off and remain empty.Nights like these where I spent in bed crying and sobbing, without anyone being able to hear me. I was emotionally damaged by someone i'll never be able to forget and this turned into pain that kicked itself in my stomach and built lumps in my throat. I feel so horible, like once again everything is slipping through my fingers. People say I'm lively and utterly positive at times, but I'm really not. Every time I try to reach for my happiness, something comes along and ruins it. I'm tired of having thoughts about creating an end for myself due to the fact I can't maintain something good for long. It's like every thing I touch simply dies. I really don't want that year to be repeated, so maybe once again, shutting my emotions off will be a better option.

Fuck this

I feel like every time I make a mistake it's the end of the road for me. I don't know how to be a better person when I have no one leading me in the right direction and I certainly cant change myself within a second. I try to be a better person for others but every time I fail, I become reminded of the dissapointment I've become and how even by imrpoving, I'm still a failure. Some say that imperfection is beauty, but I'm far from that. I don't know what to do anymore but I'm helpless. I have no one to reach out to because I'm the one that pushes everyone away. I'm not being a drama queen or complaining. I'm simply writing to express my pain. I don't really want to live anymore. But who cares.