Follow or Lead

There was no love, only hate and betrayal.
I woke up. Tears running down my cheeks, they were cold tears, tears of fear.
My chest felt heavy, that was when I realized it was morning. The sun shined bright in my eyes, as I wiped them.
How could this possibly happen?
I thought we were family, we were friends. We had the same blood running through our veins. I wish I could slice my arms opened and replace the blood. I would be better off without it. Sharing blood with the ones who make me feel like I don't belong.
Where do I belong?
With yous? Then where is the love?, have we forgotten about it?, What about family always comes first? No matter what?.
Why is there so much cruelty? Why do you learn how to hate before how to love?
Is it because we're different? Everyone's different, you can't expect everyone to be exactly like you, like a clone of you.
I am who I am, and I know for sure that I will never become who you want me to be.
I don't need your acceptance, I would rather have you hate me for who I am than to love me for who I'm not.
"I hate you" I screamed and so did he. That was when I thought....
It was just a nightmare, I just hope in reality it wouldn't happen.

The Way I See It.

So how do thoughts actually fall on paper?
To me this is how it all happens.
My mind gets full, full of thoughts that want to escape.
I want them to escape, I need them to escape, but I must do it in a sensible way.
My mind sinks into darkness, deep darkness, where only my words can be heard. No music, no sound, no touch, no nothing. Only feelings, words and deep dark silence. There is no running away. I realize this is the place I need to be, safe and secure, the darkness, the black is gold.
Sometimes things may seem strange, They may be different from what I see. I change reality in what I want it to be. My world, the place where I'm safe. The place where thoughts actually fall on paper and not get too crowded, A place that would take anyones breath away.
That's when my mind and not just thoughts, crawl and sink with ink unto paper.

Dedicated to Max <3.

New Year - New Beginning.

New Year, it always has a new beginning, well for most people.
It feels like re-birth, something so astonishing. A new start that will push everything in the past. People usually use New Year as a day to get rid of everything unpleasant in their lives, they leave it in the past. They even give or seek for forgiveness.
I know I have left the past behind, in fact it is now completely out of my mind. I won't miss 2009, it did me no good. It was all filled with so many complications, My mind was clouded with unpleasant thoughts all the time. It was like I was being haunted, not letting happiness appear in my sight, living in darkness. There was no light, even if I saw light I would approach it slowly and it would get dimmer and dimmer by each step I took, until it faded, completely. I let the good things slip through my fingers each and every time, I gave up on things I shouldn't have, I hurt people I shouldn't have.

This year though, I have a feeling it will be different. Because I began not caring about what wanted to bring me down, I began stronger. Now I have reclaimed my happiness and I feel whole again. I may not have what I really wanted, but I have what I need. I have realised that sometimes you can't get what you want, you have to get what you need.
I have what I need, although if It doesn't sutisfy me 100%. I am still 100% Happy.

x.