Autumn.

I'm doing this to myself.
No ones forcing anything down my throat.
But they're the ones that make me do it.
And don't I just love it when I get hurt.
Don't I just love it when the daggers are driven through me until their tips touch my spine.
Place your hands on my shoulders. Can you feel the warmth? Can you feel the pulse underneath my flesh?
I'm giving you my everything.
I'm making you my world.
What else do you want from me.
None of it seems to be enough.
Once I realize I have you in my arms, you slip out and throw yourself on someone else.
And then you come back and do it again.
I'm giving up on you. You're starting to make me sick.
Bitter again, as bitter as I was before.
It weighs on my memory like sins linger guilty minds.
Don't tell me I mean allot to you. It's a lie.
You say the same thing to everyone else.
So don't expect me to feel more special than them.
All of this is worthless.
I'm done.

x.

When the sun goes down.

I remember her whispering in my ear.
She told me about everything, her existence.
There was no step taken alone.
It was me and her on the side.
We thought, acted, destroyed and ran together.
There was no ending with her there.
I thought I would be by her side forever.
I tore myself from her, but what not. I was a child.
A child with miseries and options.
I had no control over it, I had no power.
I looked for what was best for me.
I'm afraid now. Afraid you'll forget me.
Afraid I'll fade for you. become dull.
I promise to never forget you my best friend.
You will always be a part of me.
I will return soon.
I miss you, I love you, I forgive you.

x.

Shaken Up.

I did it again.
Dragged myself to the pits of hell.
I've lost control. My head feels heavy.
I'm screaming so loud, but the words just wont come out.
The screams fade, into the world of silence.
I need you, to need me.
I need stability and consistence.
Pull me tightly, security and peace.
I'm so exhausted, I need to let go.
I'm breathing heavily, air like knives in my lungs.
The hopes and dreams are torn to pieces. They become dull, very hard to see.
I need change. I need happiness.
I'm making this everything and you nothing.
It will make you reminisce.
Falling like autumn leaves, The fall and death.
But I'll regain my conscious. Sooner or later.
One after the other, they come and go. Yet none of them knows anything.
They don't know. They try, but they still don't know.
My mind, My thoughts. No more, No less.

When the sun rises.

I woke up this morning with a thirst to write.
It was cold and I licked the air dry.
I thought twice about what I was doing.
Where was I heading and why was I running down the same hill again.
I ran down that hill for 3 years now. It belonged to me.
I'm shaken up and uncontrollable. Times of hurt and sorrow.
Tiny shivers run through me when I hear him say that he loves me.
I pick up the pen and write everything down. My mind sinks and the music grows louder. They are words written and feelings people have felt.
I try blocking him, but hes too shifty, He has swift movements and he moves too quickly in my head. Reminding me of everything. Everything that happened when I was standing here and he was standing there.
The place I learn in, Is the last place I have memories from. They were the ones I treasured.
It doesn't matter now. I'm still writing. And writing is what matters now.
No brutality, No chaos, No riot.
Just me, The paper and the pen.
I can't destroy them all at once, So I'll just take them down one by one. There's only a few of them left anyway. That's what she said before and after.
She's winning, You can see her. She has everything and she asks for more. Once she gets sick of it, she just simply throws it away. Moving on to the next host.
Get your act together darling. Some of those things are worth it. Just remember this.
Now I'm done.
Those were all the things that ran through my head today, tonight.