Death

I fell apart before my eyes again. This time I didn’t know it was coming, but I knew it was close. My limbs hurt, I felt a faint pain dwelling in my stomach, as if the gashes were beginning to open up again. How could this happen though, I had repaired myself, I held my ground all the time. Every time I take a breath I gag, I don't know why, I don’t know when. Everything just hurts, soon everything will turn into numbness and the dullness will return, my biggest fear will return. Ill be drowning in the same sea again. However maybe this time it will be easier, since I’m so used to the emptiness, I just hope I haven’t forgotten, well not completely. I’m being destroyed without even realizing it.

Hope.

I hope this title has not been repeated.
It's been a few months since I've come here, to lay my thoughts on paper.
I miss it here, so therefore I've decided to write tonight.

As usual, I feel as if I’m trapped alone in an unknown place, where home is nowhere near.
Maybe I'm supposed to be a lost soul, maybe I'm not supposed to find my way back.
I feel as if there is something missing, or something that's just not quite right. I find myself running in circles, at the same place repeatedly and not realising that I've been doing it.
I'm a lovely person but then something happens to me, something I'm not quite familiar with just yet. I turn into something that's deranged and eccentric, I lose control of who I'm supposed to be and I become something I'm not. I become extremely precarious and indecisive. As if I'm shaking uncontrollably and I don't know why and I don't know why I can't control it. It eats me up from the inside, it swallows me whole. I become nothing but a monster full of hate and despair.
I live in fear, the thoughts of me becoming insane and pushing everything good far far away.
But that a different story..Right?

Hell, part II.

"Maybe you're better off alone, you're independent and smart, you don't need anyone"

Maybe I am.
My whole life, I've looked at people around me and none of them have quite satisfied me. I don't even have a role model. I can't find someone worthy enough for me to rely on and look up to. I haven't found anyone that can show me a better way. I sometimes believe it is because I have been consumed by power and the need to be alone. I don't like involving myself with those who are lower than my level. The ones that find doing the wrong things, right.
I mean of course, you are "young" and you should fool around as much as possible before all the rules and consequences kick in. But what happens when you're so focused on "having fun" and creating these imaginary worlds, and they all end up crashing down before your eyes at once. What happens when reality hits? What happens when the weight of the world is now on your shoulders and you're not prepared?
I sometimes feel blessed. That this gift I've been given is remarkable. The ability to see things clearly as they are. The ability to figure out what is really wrong and what is right, without someone having to point it out to you.
I was never taught these things. I taught them to myself. I had to figure everything out on my own, and still do, all the time.
However I refuse to share these things with the ignorant. I don't want to be the one showing people their paths, I don't really have time for that, and even if it were shown, they would gladly reject it, so why bother?
It saves me time, pain and walls not entirely caring for the mistakes someone makes. If I find no real gratification from the person in front of me, then I just leave. I leave so I'm not the one being hurt, and I leave them to whatever they think is right for them. I walk out knowing that this person did not belong in my life

Hell, part I.

I can no longer shout or scream. I have lost my voice.
No one can hear me. No one will ever be there.
Who am I supposed to run to all the time?
All those backs are turned on me. Is it maybe time that I turn my back on the whole world?
Either way I fee like I'm losing everything. Everyone walks away.
You know, it'd be nice to know that someone has entered your life and they are willing to remain there forever. It's nice to know that you're not always the one being left behind.
How much longer am I going to dwell in this darkness of dolor?
The only things I feel right now is despondency and emptiness. As if my stomach is being burned, stabbed and punched repeatedly.
Never in my life will I ever rely on a person, I'd rather be alone than to be hurt repeatedly.

Twilight.

This to me, seems to be sheer perfection.
Yet again I find myself biting on my lips and making them bleed.
I don't seem to quite understand the meaning of it all.
I don't know how to put the puzzle back together, because I fear what the complete outcome might be.
What if this image depicts my future and who I'll be?
I fear too many things and I find myself shattering my world over and over again.
I don't believe that something good, could ever happen to me. And if it ever does, I'll ruin it because of my doubts. I feel as if I'm not good enough for anything, well not anything, but I'm just not good at holding my world together. It's as if I'm cursed. I can't put things back to where they belong.
I fear that I eventually lose what I love. I fear that I'll always be the one left behind. I fear that I won't be accepted for who I am. I have way too many flaws on my shoulders and it's hard for me to hide my emptiness, because you can't really hide what's not there.
I just fear being given up on over and over again.

Moonlight.

I try reaching as far as I possibly can.
I want the stars, I want the moon.
I want the light, to get rid of this darkness.
They left me in the darkness, so darkness I became.
This perfection, it's untouchable.
It smiles at me as I reach out for it, and yet, as I try to hold it, it slips right through my fingers. Leaving white smoke behind. Leaving me behind.
Without it I have nothing. I lose myself, I'm insane.
I take a few steps, but I can see nothing in this darkness.
I feel it though, it's around me. I hear the silence screaming.
I'll just fall asleep, drift into it's shadow, in this beautiful twilight.
Keep me safe, you will be mine one day.
I can see it smiling at me as I reach out for it.
You will be my moonlight. I'll steal you away.

Don't let me fall.

I look around me, I can't find anything that truly fascinates me.
I guess I just have no idea what I'm looking for, I don't know what I want.
Who I want, I just know that I haven't come across them yet.
Well I have, but that's a different story everyone knows.
I have everything I ever asked for.
All I want now is him. I want to be cared for.
I want that feeling that sends chills down my spine.
I want to be adored just like every other girl.
I might sound so naive, but the truth is everyone wants and needs someone who will make them their everything.
It's nice to know that there is someone who actually cares about you, it makes you worry less about other things.
From this I've lost everything, every time I even think, things might be different, they turn completely out of control and leave me empty again.
I'm always empty, even though people might see me as cheerful, happy, hyper, talkative and adventurous. I'm still not complete, I'm not overly happy.
I feel alone, like I'm not wanted.
I can't let my guard down for one second because of how cruel people can be, how they'd find any opportunity to destroy something so beautiful with their attacks and insecurities.
I just don't really know what to do anymore.
So I think I'll just remain empty.

Turquoise Sky

I seem to be going back to my old habits once again.
I keep missing the boat. I lose control of myself.
I come across as Intractable, contrary, perverse, unpredictable, unemotional and detached.
All these negatives come and consume me. This is where my dark side is revealed.
This is where I show everyone, what they haven't seen in me.
I am sometimes disappointed emotionally because of my own, high, personal ideals causing me to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if I am deceived, then my anger is terrible and may sometimes get out of control.
The only thing that I'm bound and find hard doing is letting down the mental guard that I keep on my emotions, that stops me from being the self I long to be.
I must admit I am flawed. But then yet again, who isn't.
I am who I am, at least I'm true.
Although these things happen unintentionally, I'll find a way to prevent them.
I'll work through this. I'm Independent and I stand alone most of the time.
It's me against the world most of the time.
So I'll find my own way, no matter how long it takes me.
I'll find myself and bring the best out.
For now, I'll just remain the insane person I always am.

x.

Hit the road.

It's been a long time since I've written here.
School has consumed my life.
But tonight is different, tonight I will write again.
And here it goes.

I will never set out my thoughts with lies on paper.
It's thoughts on paper, not lies on paper.
Everyone is telling me that tonight is cold, but tonight is not cold for me.
I can hardly feel anything at all anymore. I've blocked every memory, every emotion you ever gave me. And warmth was one of them.
The flame in my heart has grown cold for a while now.
I'm so used to it, it's a part of me.
Sometimes i'll be gone and you won't even notice.
I may seem heartless to some people, but I'm really not. I've just learned to build a bridge and get over things very quickly.
I no longer hover over useless things. I'm not wasting my time. I don't worry.
I just live, well at least I try to. I don't expect anything, because it always leads to disappointment. My expectations are quite high and they won't be met by some. So I just take it as it comes. No this, not that, no nothing. Just me.
It drags me with the flow. I can't breath, but I don't really care.
Nothing really matters, just the silence. The cold air blowing through my hair, the sunshine on my face and the silence.

Anchors on my heart.

It’s really no fun when I’m in the mood where “I want to punch shit”, and then people decide to push my boundaries. I feel very empty and dull. I put a smile on my face so I can fool everyone. The girl full of life, is dead. Dead from the inside, dead all over. I’ve bound myself to control the way I feel towards things. When I finally realized I don’t, quite want to feel anything. I’ve filled myself with emptiness. It’s better than anything else for me. I’ve felt the numbness, the urge to breath. That’s not for me. I want nothing.

Word.

I don't like choosing.
I feel so unsafe for some odd reason.
If I cave, everything around me will break.
Then comes the part where I realize that I've just made another mistake.
I'm not weak though. I've learnt to control my emotions, but not when it comes to infatuation and love. I seem to fall in love way too easily.
Lion hearted with shimmering cheeks.
I'll try standing tall. Fire above my head.
And I'll sink my head into the water, to leave me breathless for a while, sink my thoughts into the quite underworld.
I hate the sound of heartbeats though. It drives me insane. It's worse than the ticking sound a clock makes, when you're trying to fall into deep sleep.
And as you see. I skip. I skip everything. Even what I'm trying to write here.
It's skipped. Not showing what I'm trying to exactly say. Playing different chapters. Because that's what my life is doing at the moment. Playing different chapters at once.
I'm just playing my own mind games again. Leaving an anchor on your heart.
Yeah, I'm a devil's child. Sinking into my loneliness.
It's okay though. I'll be okay. I'll remain empty forever.
I may seem full of joy, But I'm empty, dead from the inside.
Emptiness will fill my heart forever.

Red.

I'm not really sure what exactly I'm supposed to be writing.
I just want to waste time so I can hit the shower and cry in there.
Let the dye come out of my hair and turn the water blood red.
I feel so horrible, I'm trying my hardest to forget you.
You always linger back in my mind. Reminding me how you always took my breath away.
I'm just trying not to breakdown and lose control. Bring down my self-esteem once again.
I think I'll be okay though. I do miss you, but I'll do just fine without you. I just need someone to tell me that it's all going to be alright. That I'll wake up from this excruciating nightmare and forget you. Leave you in the past as you left me.
It's time now. I'm going.

Im wishing.

There is no words that can describe my hatred for you.
No walls will stand in the way of my fists tonight.
You ruined everything now. What else do you want?
And do not think I'll sit back and just, simply watch.
I will destroy you. I will make you choke on your own spit.
How can you even stand yourself. How can you do this to me.
There is no forgiveness. I hope you go back and rot in the whole you came from.
You're not needed here. And watch your back, I will stab you harder than you stabbed me.
Low lived idiot, I will laugh at you SO hard when you fail in life.
I hate you. Go die.

Prejudice.

I only have 3 minutes.
So here it goes.

No ashes burn as bright as the ones in front of me.
I'm standing here alone, under the crescent moon in the night sky.
As I forget them once again.
You will never be good enough anymore. You're pure filth.
I'll erase you, and I'll erase our memories.
I hope they haunt you. I hope you realize that once I fade into the darkness, behind the curtain of fog. I will never turn back again. I will look at you with red eyes. Filled with the anger I hold for you. Then fade.
These last 3 minutes I say my goodbye. So watch me become your worst nightmare. Watch me become everything you ever wanted and now can never have. You deserve nothing. Nothing at all. Goodbye.

One last night.

I'm not sure what to expect. And I don't know if I should prepare myself, for what's about to happen. Everything will end, and restart on Monday.I saw you tonight. And I remembered. I remembered everything. Everything I tried forgetting, for the past 4 years. I thought that maybe...just maybe I could handle it. After everything I put myself through. Extending myself into infinite limits, to find a way, in replacing you. It's very hard. I can't keep myself occupied. I thought I finally had what I needed. But what I needed, destroyed me still. And didn't heal the wounds that had already been created by you. Well not entirely. The same chills run down my spine, every time I see you. I don't know, if I'll ever forget you. But I like the feeling, even though I don't want to admit it. I like the rush of adrenaline, my whole body turning into ice, and that puzzled expression on my face, where my brown eyes turn into solid black. As if I'm horrified. As if I'm seeing something, I prayed to never see.