From heaven to hell

You used to say things like "You are my everything", "what my life consists of". Now nothing feels like that anymore. I don't know how it came to this, I no longer feel like your princess. Just an extra. Everything I do or say is instantly an attack towards you, an objection or a crime. Maybe, just maybe if you weren't being so distant, everything would be perfectly fine. You used to touch me in a different way, you used to look at me in a different way, smile and laugh with me. Agree with me on most things, hold my hand and tell me you liked it. You used to take away my emptiness and fill my life with colour. None of that happens now. I am contantly empty, lonely and I have no way of expressing that but in tears. Because expressing that now is no longer an option because everything is misunderstood. I miss you, I miss everything. I'm too afraid to say it though. You take things and throw them back at me, giving nothing in return. Everything seems far away, everything is becoming more wrong as time passes by. I want to be happy and be with you. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. The time where you actually gave a fuck about me.

Falling

I understand that I what I have done looks as wrong as ever, but it has taken absolutely everything from me. I feel as empty as a hole. The only thing Ive been good at is cry myself to sleep and wake up to myself crying. Nothing is worst than feeling this pain. I feel emotionally drained and I wouldnt mind if earth opened up and swallowed me right now. I may sound as a drama queen or whatever the fuck some of you want to think. These are my raw emotions I havent been able to write, mainly because i cant see the screen properly. I want to skip life, skip anything that would take this pain away. I can't just continuesly sob every night until I become fully empty. I need you, I need something thats not a constant reminder of how things used to be and maybe, just maybe I will never be able to have them back. That's what will really kill me. A new pain i never knew I'd ever encounter after all this time. This is not something I can just walk away from and instantly let go of. It will haunt me, once again. You'll be a constant reminder of something that I could never have and lost out of complete stupidity. I've never been this weak before, Ive never felt so lifeless in such a long time.

Sleepless nights

Nights like these remind me of 3 years ago. When everything came crashing down and when I finally made the decision to turn my emotions off and remain empty.Nights like these where I spent in bed crying and sobbing, without anyone being able to hear me. I was emotionally damaged by someone i'll never be able to forget and this turned into pain that kicked itself in my stomach and built lumps in my throat. I feel so horible, like once again everything is slipping through my fingers. People say I'm lively and utterly positive at times, but I'm really not. Every time I try to reach for my happiness, something comes along and ruins it. I'm tired of having thoughts about creating an end for myself due to the fact I can't maintain something good for long. It's like every thing I touch simply dies. I really don't want that year to be repeated, so maybe once again, shutting my emotions off will be a better option.

Fuck this

I feel like every time I make a mistake it's the end of the road for me. I don't know how to be a better person when I have no one leading me in the right direction and I certainly cant change myself within a second. I try to be a better person for others but every time I fail, I become reminded of the dissapointment I've become and how even by imrpoving, I'm still a failure. Some say that imperfection is beauty, but I'm far from that. I don't know what to do anymore but I'm helpless. I have no one to reach out to because I'm the one that pushes everyone away. I'm not being a drama queen or complaining. I'm simply writing to express my pain. I don't really want to live anymore. But who cares.

Greatness

I don't think that I say this enough but I would truly like to thank all the people who are there for me in times when I'm in need. I would like to dedicate this to anyone who's helped me and been there for me in any sort of way or form. No words will ever measure to the immensity of thanks that I hold for those people in my heart. I do struggle quite a lot but if I had no one, then I would truly feel alone. I value people’s friendships and kindness more than anything in this world. I try my best to always be honest and treat them with the kindness they deserve. I have seen people come and go, people who have become no longer worthy of my time and people who have let distance and time get in between friendship. For those who have remained however, I would like to deeply thank through this blog. I don't know how I would have managed without any of you. Thank you.

R U OK?

I feel so god damn broken and Ive been finding it very hard to cope lately. I try so hard to be good and to meet everyone's expectations so I don't make anyone unhappy, but I find myself being isolated at the same time. I don't know how many more times I'm going to have sleepless nights with silent cries. I feel like I have no one and everything is just empty. Some of you might not like this blog because of how depressive it is, but this is me and I'm not okay. I haven't been for a long time. I feel like everything that makes me happy will just soon fade because I just don't deserve it. I don't know if I push people away from me, or they just decide to leave because i'll never be good enough for them.

Starry Night

I just want to fall asleep in the cold, under a starry night. I have been having this sudden urge to just leave everything behind and kind of escape. Go somewhere beautiful and somewhere to fall in love. My happy places are places that hold the beauty of this world. I've never felt more content than just sitting on a hill side, whilst watching the most magnificent views a day alone had to offer. When I have time I will paint those landscapes. One by one, I will brush on canvas, I will dig their inner core out, i will find that beauty and try to stroke it on a blank page. I've never seeked for anything but peace and harmony. However I dont think I can find those places in the city, I need to go somewhere, somewhere very far away. I want to forget everything for a minute and breathe in the fresh air and all the scents around me that fill me with different sensations and send chills down my spine. I will find those places very soon, I hope they wait for me.

It's just me

I can't quite comprehend how I'm feeling right now. I feel a mix of exhaustion and distress. It eats me from the inside really, not being to find my own way back from difficult situations. I sometimes wish I had someone leading me in the right direction, so I could come clean with my true self and be a better person. I feel so much agitation towards most things, because everything leaves me behind. I have never in my life believed in completely relying on someone for happiness. However I still haven't managed to find the happiness of my own. I don't have many ways to keep myself happy and after a short time they become quite useless and boring to me. I'll never be quite fully satisfied with my surroundings, yet I feel as if I push the boundaries way too far for me to get what I want. Which is not completely the right thing to do, or so I think. I am a good person, yet my mind fools me sometimes.

Him

I can feel him lingering everywhere, not just in my mind, but in my room. I never understood how something so empty could be filled with just simply one person. To me he's magical, something completely out of the ordinary, he's like poetry. Poetry that is not written to be analyzed; but rather to inspire without reason and to touch with understanding. I remember everything every once in a while and I suddenly become aware of how lucky I am to have him. I hear his heart sometimes, I hear it racing and when I ask why, he tells me its cause of my presence. I find it hard however to let go of him, I don't want this magic to ever leave, even when its only for a few days. I want him to remain with me forever, because thats where he belongs and nothing sounds more perfect than spending every single second wraped in his arms and letting all of his scent linger on me. He'll never know though, he'll never know how much he truly means to me.

Outcomes

It is so exhausting, knowing that everything you have done for a person will eventually go to waste. People can barely ever be pleased and they are always wanting more. They always want what they can't have. I have never felt so isolated in my life. This year had been the toughest year, considering the fact that it involves alot of isolation from he outside world, to gain time and take care of studies in order to meet certain expectations. I climb as high as I can because people encourage me to and all I get in the end is how "dominating" I've become and how I've been putting everyone below me. Doesn't the road of success involve stepping on others in order to get as high as you'd like to be? I can't just simply fade into the background and expect to be suddenly noticed by someone out of the blue. I have to make sure that people notice me and take me seriously for who I am. I have come way too far to fail now and if that leads to a few broken hearts then be it. Life goes on and people gain more insight of their lives every day. The next time someone tries to express their so called "ungratefulness" towards me, I will simply shut them out and continue being my confident self, as i climb my way up that fucking ladder.

Define the meaning of

It's been such a long, long time since I've blogged, however I would like to change this. I always find myself in the stupidest situations, situations that tear my life to pieces bit by bit. I feel so alone. I try so hard to be creative and aim to inspire others, yet I fill them with envy and hate for me. The truth is that my presence fills the room with an intense atmosphere, if I don't get something right, my mood shifts and changes, bringing others down with it. It is not my fault, it is just how I see and react to things and this way people hate me for it. I have experienced so much hate in my life it's tearing me apart. People around me, friends, close ones, family all seem to fill me with darkness and push me as far away as possible. Now I'm utterly unsure if this is just the sadness I'm addicted to, or it is actually the truth that others sometimes try to mask. I used to not care, not to give a flying fuck or a rats ass about what anyone thought of me. But this is different, I try doing something good by someone and all I recieve is criticism and how much bad I'm doing. I just feel so alone, a failure and I dont know how much longer ill be feeling this, I just need someone to save me and tell me that I actually have a place in this world.