Starry Night

I just want to fall asleep in the cold, under a starry night. I have been having this sudden urge to just leave everything behind and kind of escape. Go somewhere beautiful and somewhere to fall in love. My happy places are places that hold the beauty of this world. I've never felt more content than just sitting on a hill side, whilst watching the most magnificent views a day alone had to offer. When I have time I will paint those landscapes. One by one, I will brush on canvas, I will dig their inner core out, i will find that beauty and try to stroke it on a blank page. I've never seeked for anything but peace and harmony. However I dont think I can find those places in the city, I need to go somewhere, somewhere very far away. I want to forget everything for a minute and breathe in the fresh air and all the scents around me that fill me with different sensations and send chills down my spine. I will find those places very soon, I hope they wait for me.

It's just me

I can't quite comprehend how I'm feeling right now. I feel a mix of exhaustion and distress. It eats me from the inside really, not being to find my own way back from difficult situations. I sometimes wish I had someone leading me in the right direction, so I could come clean with my true self and be a better person. I feel so much agitation towards most things, because everything leaves me behind. I have never in my life believed in completely relying on someone for happiness. However I still haven't managed to find the happiness of my own. I don't have many ways to keep myself happy and after a short time they become quite useless and boring to me. I'll never be quite fully satisfied with my surroundings, yet I feel as if I push the boundaries way too far for me to get what I want. Which is not completely the right thing to do, or so I think. I am a good person, yet my mind fools me sometimes.

Him

I can feel him lingering everywhere, not just in my mind, but in my room. I never understood how something so empty could be filled with just simply one person. To me he's magical, something completely out of the ordinary, he's like poetry. Poetry that is not written to be analyzed; but rather to inspire without reason and to touch with understanding. I remember everything every once in a while and I suddenly become aware of how lucky I am to have him. I hear his heart sometimes, I hear it racing and when I ask why, he tells me its cause of my presence. I find it hard however to let go of him, I don't want this magic to ever leave, even when its only for a few days. I want him to remain with me forever, because thats where he belongs and nothing sounds more perfect than spending every single second wraped in his arms and letting all of his scent linger on me. He'll never know though, he'll never know how much he truly means to me.

Outcomes

It is so exhausting, knowing that everything you have done for a person will eventually go to waste. People can barely ever be pleased and they are always wanting more. They always want what they can't have. I have never felt so isolated in my life. This year had been the toughest year, considering the fact that it involves alot of isolation from he outside world, to gain time and take care of studies in order to meet certain expectations. I climb as high as I can because people encourage me to and all I get in the end is how "dominating" I've become and how I've been putting everyone below me. Doesn't the road of success involve stepping on others in order to get as high as you'd like to be? I can't just simply fade into the background and expect to be suddenly noticed by someone out of the blue. I have to make sure that people notice me and take me seriously for who I am. I have come way too far to fail now and if that leads to a few broken hearts then be it. Life goes on and people gain more insight of their lives every day. The next time someone tries to express their so called "ungratefulness" towards me, I will simply shut them out and continue being my confident self, as i climb my way up that fucking ladder.

Define the meaning of

It's been such a long, long time since I've blogged, however I would like to change this. I always find myself in the stupidest situations, situations that tear my life to pieces bit by bit. I feel so alone. I try so hard to be creative and aim to inspire others, yet I fill them with envy and hate for me. The truth is that my presence fills the room with an intense atmosphere, if I don't get something right, my mood shifts and changes, bringing others down with it. It is not my fault, it is just how I see and react to things and this way people hate me for it. I have experienced so much hate in my life it's tearing me apart. People around me, friends, close ones, family all seem to fill me with darkness and push me as far away as possible. Now I'm utterly unsure if this is just the sadness I'm addicted to, or it is actually the truth that others sometimes try to mask. I used to not care, not to give a flying fuck or a rats ass about what anyone thought of me. But this is different, I try doing something good by someone and all I recieve is criticism and how much bad I'm doing. I just feel so alone, a failure and I dont know how much longer ill be feeling this, I just need someone to save me and tell me that I actually have a place in this world.

Death

I fell apart before my eyes again. This time I didn’t know it was coming, but I knew it was close. My limbs hurt, I felt a faint pain dwelling in my stomach, as if the gashes were beginning to open up again. How could this happen though, I had repaired myself, I held my ground all the time. Every time I take a breath I gag, I don't know why, I don’t know when. Everything just hurts, soon everything will turn into numbness and the dullness will return, my biggest fear will return. Ill be drowning in the same sea again. However maybe this time it will be easier, since I’m so used to the emptiness, I just hope I haven’t forgotten, well not completely. I’m being destroyed without even realizing it.

Hope.

I hope this title has not been repeated.
It's been a few months since I've come here, to lay my thoughts on paper.
I miss it here, so therefore I've decided to write tonight.

As usual, I feel as if I’m trapped alone in an unknown place, where home is nowhere near.
Maybe I'm supposed to be a lost soul, maybe I'm not supposed to find my way back.
I feel as if there is something missing, or something that's just not quite right. I find myself running in circles, at the same place repeatedly and not realising that I've been doing it.
I'm a lovely person but then something happens to me, something I'm not quite familiar with just yet. I turn into something that's deranged and eccentric, I lose control of who I'm supposed to be and I become something I'm not. I become extremely precarious and indecisive. As if I'm shaking uncontrollably and I don't know why and I don't know why I can't control it. It eats me up from the inside, it swallows me whole. I become nothing but a monster full of hate and despair.
I live in fear, the thoughts of me becoming insane and pushing everything good far far away.
But that a different story..Right?